Standing Still

Okay, first things first.. This may not be the uplifting blog post you would want to read. So you are warned. i feel like i should get some things off my chest and i also feel like this should be the place. Because my blog is about things that are going on in my life or that are important to me. And i want it to be about being real, too. So.. here it goes. me being real.

i’m not a big fan of slow motion.

i’m not a big fan of standing still.

i’ve always been more like the run-a-marathon kinda girl.

i like speed. i like action.

i like to keep on going.

No. i said i was going to be real.

i NEED to keep on going.

i NEED speed.

i NEED action.

i need anything to keep me from standing still.

Standing still means thinking. Overthinking. Overthinking about overthinking..

It means thoughts, feelings and emotions. It means memories.

It means memories that i thought were locked up safely, somewhere at the back of my mind. Buried in a deep, dark pit. Too dark to be able to recognize the individual memories, the flashes, the sounds..

But i have been standing still for awhile now.

Being sick does that to me. Makes me stand still.

Not being able to do all the things i used to do to keep myself occupied.. it drives me crazy.

After my concussion i have been standing still and i’m tired of standing still.

i’m tired of the headaches.

i’m tired of the exhaustion.

i’m tired of the uncertainty.

i’m tired of the not being able to do what i need to do.

i’m tired of the not being able to do what i should do for my internship.

i’m tired of feeling like a big failure who is doing nothing except for doing nothing. Resting. Standing (laying) still.

And the biggest one of all:

i’m tired of telling people that i’m still not feeling too well. i’m tired of smiling and saying that everything will be all right, that it all just takes a little more time than initially expected.

my mind is running ahead of my body.

But there’s nothing i can do to get better, than to rest up, even when my headaches are keeping me awake. And to do as little as i can and try to be happy with that.

i am blessed.

i may not be running but there is some slow progress.

Maybe i have been spending too much time focusing on the “slow” part, when i could also be looking at the “progress” part.

There is progress.

i do get to go to my internship now for a couple of hours a week. And i do get to see the smiles of the kids at work. i do get to write post cards and mail them to people i know could use something to brighten up there day a bit. i do get to color, read a little, listen some music or watch some TV. i do get to sit up a couple of hours a day instead of laying in my bed all day.

And last but not least: i do get to read my Bible and experience God’s love in the numerous little gifts of mercy He shows me everyday.

Maybe my headache is knocking on my door:

“Hi girl, there is some headline news – you are making progress. You just don’t know it yet”

i can’t wait till the day my head will be quiet and there’ll be room for all my normal activities again.

But for now i have to be grateful for all the little things and accept that me standing still means dealing with thoughts, feelings, emotions and memories that i usually try to keep locked up, buried away under a huge amount of Staying Occupied :)