Dear Bully

Dear bully,

As i’m sitting here i find it hard to write this down. However, i feel like it’s what i need right now. And i hope that it will be a refreshing thing to do, but it is hard. Even the salutation is hard to write down. First of all, it’s weird to write “dear” before “bully”. A bully isn’t dear, is (s)he? But most importantly, i don’t really thought about you as being a bully. Even though there’s enough evidence to call you so, it still doesn’t feel right. i’ve always thought about you as my friend and i still tend to do so.

i am writing this letter to you, never intending to send it anyway. So what purpose does it serve? i guess i need a new perspective, i need to step out of my comfort zone and write things down. i want a chance to tell you my side of things, even though you may never really read this. 

If you would, i’d want you to know…

Dear bully, i don’t understand.

i don’t understand why you were always picking on me. i am glad you did, because i would find it even more difficult to watch you pick on someone else. But it hurt.

Dear bully, i want you to know that it hurt.

It hurt when you were calling me names. Even though it may seem innocent to you. To me those were not jokes. Once, or twice, it may have been funny to be called “Ten” or “foreigner” but after a while this just got boring and made me feel like an outsider.

It hurt when you called me names i don’t wish to repeat.

It hurt when you made fun of my grades, or my clothes, or my voice or my facial expression.

It hurt when one day you’d want to play with me, have fun with me, and the next day you’d gossip behind my back. Literally. It hurt to be able to hear all those things you told about me. It hurt to want to be able to join. For it wouldn’t hurt as much to talk bad about myself with you, as it was to hear you talk about me.

It hurt when you decided it was fun to literally step onto my toes, not once or twice but with a whole group of girls, on and off. Was it fun to watch me standing there, frozen? Did you know i was not walking away because it would only hurt even more if you’d be running after me?

Did you know the whole reason why i was standing there, was because i did not want to be standing in someone’s way? Did you know i still have moments where i watch myself standing there at the side of the playground being walked over? Literally and figuratively. i hear you laughing and mocking me around. And i’m not able to move. By then i knew there was no escape. There was no point in trying. You’d come and find me. i just tried to ignore the hurt and waited till lunch break was over and i’d be able to focus on my schoolwork again.

It hurt when you only wanted to be friends with me when you were in a fight with one of your other friends. It hurts to realize now, years later, that you only needed me to vent, to not feel alone and to be able to gossip about the other person. The minute you two were besties again there was no place for me on this planet. It hurts that i never really set any boundaries. i just let you treat me like dirt and went along with you playing me. It hurts that up to the present day i still feel like i am the one to blame.

It hurt to watch you write another letter filled with name-calling and other abusive language. It hurt to know that i would have to read those letters or you would read them aloud yourself. 

It hurt to be pushed in corners. Physically and mentally.

It hurt to be skipped when you were treating others your candy. But years later i’d thank you for that. Because i believed you have been saving me from gaining a pound, which made my eating disorder real happy.

It hurt to loose one of my best friends because you were denigrating me and in the end she thought she would have more fun with you all. It hurt even more to hear that one day she got dumped by you, too. It hurt. It really hurt. Because that was the moment i realized it was not me, but you. i realized that if you bullied my great, fun, amazing, talented, creative, loving & caring friend, you really did not need any reason at all to bully someone like me. i realized that even if i had been perfect, you’d still have picked on me.

Dear bully.

Now i wonder. Why?

Why did you hate me so much?

Why did you play me, used me, as if i was nothing more than a toy?

Why?

Have you ever, for just one second, questioned yourself? Asked yourself why you had to pick on others, on me, to feel better about yourself?

i hope you did. i hope you did ask those questions. And i hope the answers helped you to quit bullying others. i really do hope so.

i still see you as my friend. i was not afraid to lose you. i was not afraid to be left alone. i was perfectly capable of facing the world by myself. Yet i looked to you and saw a friend. And i still do. i don’t know why. i just see all those good qualities you carry within and i sometimes still long to be right beside you, helping you show your true colors to the world.

Dear bully, you were a bully. Yet there’s so much more to you than that.

And i hope you know that, too.

Here’s some lyrics i want to say to you if i had the chance to tell you something:

i was once a star, shining bright. You pulled me out of the sky, stole all my light, Why? Why?
i was once a boat, sailing off to sea. You dragged me back to the shore, changing my course, Why? Why me? Why you gotta’ pick on me?

And i don’t know where i’m going. But when i get there i can say that i have been the kindest me, that i can be. Can you say the same?

(Olivia Millerschin – i Can Say)

Are you cheated? Are you hurting now? How i wish that i could tell where your heart's at.

Can you see mine has found home?

This is what i want to say to you if i had one chance to speak to your heart:
You are loved more than you could ever know

This is what i want to say to you if i had one chance to tell you something:
You are loved more than you can imagine, imagine

Not sure if i've, made it clear enough it's not my love i sing about
Everybody asks, is God good? i believe He is, in fact, i know He is

(Rebecca St. James – You Are Loved)

For yes, dear bully. Even though your behavior was not very likable and it was real damaging to me, you still have to know that God loves the you He created you to be!