The Lion and the Lamb

This won’t be a very long blog post, as i’m about to head out. But i really wanted to write something. i haven’t posted in a while. i’m still working on a blog post, but haven’t found the ‘right’ words for what i wanted to share with you. So, that will be waiting a bit longer.

Here’s a quick post about something i thought about today and really felt like sharing with someone. i hope it will inspire you or encourage you, or whatever it is that you need right now. i hope the Lord will bless this blog post and use it in a way like only He can do ;-)

This morning as i was thinking and praying, i thought about the vision that is commonly used among believers. Yes, the vision of the Lion and the Lamb. As i was looking up the Bible verse where you can find this, i learned that there is not a verse that talks about them specifically. But the Bible does speak about the wolf and the lamb that will dwell together or graze together:

Isaiah 11:6

And the wolf will dwell with the lamb, And the leopard will lie down with the kid, And the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little boy will lead them. (NASB)

Isaiah 65:25

The wolf and the lamb shall graze together, and the lion shall eat straw like the ox; and dust shall be the serpent's food. They shall do no evil or harm in all My holy mountain," says the LORD. (NASB)

Not a Lion but a Wolf.. It doesn’t really change my thoughts about it though, so i am gonna share it with you anyways ;-)

i always LOVED the pictures of the lion and the lamb together. Now i see a wolf and a lamb together, and i think about the fairytale story of the little Red Riding Hood and it is even more vivid to me. Here on Earth i don’t think it’s a good idea to keep them in a room (or cage or pasture) together.

As i thought about how amazing this picture is and how it is often used as a way to describe the peace in Heaven, i wondered some more. How PERFECT would it be if we could shift this vision of being at peace to us, human beings?

Is there anyone in your life that has hurt you, that you don’t like that much. Or maybe you do like this person, but you are afraid that they don’t like you? You don’t have to have an enemy or hate someone to still be thinking twice (or not even consider it at all) to go to lunch together. Take a moment to think of such a person you don’t feel comfortable being around, no matter what the reason for your discomfort.

And picture you and this person, together, sitting on a bench, or picnicking among the gorgeous flowers in the Heavenly Pastures. How does that make you feel?

Do you see the peace overflowing from that picture, just as much as you would like to enjoy the wolf and the lamb playing together? Or does it scare you a bit?

How amazing would it be if we would think of Heaven, not only with our family and friends and the ones we like and agree with, but also the ones we don’t feel comfortable with?

THAT would be PERFECT PEACE, wouldn’t it be?

What Prayer is about..

A couple of days ago i had some insight about prayer, that i thought is worth sharing.
So here it is:

 

Prayer is not the on-button to activate the Lord.

He IS already working.

 

Maybe prayer is more like an off-button.

A button to put a stop

to our thoughts of distraction,

to our desperate attempts of taking action

And maybe it is rather our on-button

to fix our eyes on the Lord,

to focus on Him

and to put our trust in Him

For in the end we know

it’s not about us

it’s about Him

picture retrieved from http://wwcconline.org/got-prayer/

Miracle of Easter

Today i heard someone mumble a bit. This person mumbled about “having  broken all of the Lord’s commandments” and “i am not able to ever reconcile with God”. The next thing this person mumbled, was a speaking out loud of  the first verse of Psalm 23, which happened to lay open before him: “Psalm 23, the Lord is my shepherd”.

The thing that stood out to me, was, that indeed this person was right.

We are not able to ever reconcile with God.

We are not able to reconcile with God.

Not when it comes to us doing something to make it right with Him.

But it’s not about us trying to do everything we can to change our past, our behavior, ourselves.

It’s about what’s already been done for us.

It’s about what the Lord chose to do, so He could reconcile with us.

This is a truth i have known for quite some time now as i grew up with the Bible and going to church. And i believe lots of us Christians ‘know’ this truth.

Especially now in the week before Easter, i hope we all are hearing the Gospel and how Christ paid our debt. How forgiveness isn’t something we do, but something He did. Yes, He already did set me free from sin. On the cross Jesus Christ paid my debt in full. He paid the prize for my past mistakes and also for my future failures.

i know this and still, i haven’t been able to fully grasp it.

i need to know that i know that i know

that forgiveness of my sin isn’t something i need to do, but something HE DID.

Accepting the gift of forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you have to be 100% sure you won’t ever make the same mistake again.

However i believed that to be true. And so i could not (and still have a hard time to) ask for & accept forgiveness if there was a chance of messing things up again.

It still is oh so hard for me to grasp this. For i am so afraid of exploiting God’s grace. i guess i have been taken at heart the warning to not continue in sin so that grace may abound (Romans 6:1-2). But here in Romans 6 it’s about consciously, deciding to continue to live in sin in order to get more grace from the Lord. That’s not the same as asking for forgiveness, and slipping up again.

i find comfort in Jesus’ last hours on the cross.

As He was hanging there He was mocked. Matthew 27 talks about both the thieves that were crucified with Him, were reviling Him, just as the other people were (Matthew 27:38-44). Luke 23 speaks of only one robber mocking our Lord Jesus (Luke 23:39). Whether or not the second thief mocked Christ, it doesn’t really change much to what i found very encouraging here.

The thing is, the second thief was hanging on the cross with Jesus. He was a sinner. He was convicted for a crime, and he speaks of “indeed justly receiving the due reward of his deeds” (Luke 23:41).

But there’s more to it. This man, this criminal, he recognizes Jesus for who He is. He confesses his sin and he humbly yet boldly asks our Lord, Jesus Christ, if He would remember him when He comes into His Kingdom (Luke 23:42).

You see, this man didn’t have any chance of doing things better in his life. He had no more time to do things right, to ask for forgiveness to those he had wronged. He was about to die in just a couple of hours.

Yet here he calls upon the Lord and Jesus hears his cry and He replies:

“Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.” (Luke 23:43)

So even when there’s no hope of us ever being able to quit sinning, to stop our destructive behavior, we still may go to Jesus, repent our sins to Him (which means to turn away from our sins, and look up to our Lord Jesus and what He has done for us so we are now able to go freely to Him and live our life in communion with the Lord our God), ask for forgiveness and live as a new creation in Christ: old things have passed away and all things become new (2 Corinthians 5:17).

i am learning and you may too, that:

my sins are not simply covered, but they are removed from me..

Taken so far from me, that there is no way that they can be considered a part of me, anymore (Paslms 103:12).

And not only did God chose to forget our sins, but He also wants us to forget them as well. He wants us to draw near to Him with a true heart, in full assurance of faith, being sprinkled clean from an evil conscience (Hebrews 10:22).

Please keep in mind that to me it’s still a journey. But i hope and pray that sharing this part of my journey, will somehow encourage you to cry out to Jesus also, no matter what is going on in your life. For He is the One and Only who has made it possible for you to live in the presence of the Lord.

Because the Blood of Christ was shed for you and for me, we are let go as if we have never sinned (Matthew 26:28).

Have a very blessed Easter!

lyrics to "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North

Jesus thought of you, above all

 “You lived to die 

rejected and alone

(…)

You took the fall

and thought of me

Above all”

 (from Michael W. Smith’s song Above All)

  

To me it has always been a mystery how the Lord could possibly spend even one second thinking about me..

Psalms 40 verse 5 says: 

“Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; there is none to compare with You if i would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count”

and Psalms 139 verse 17:

“How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them”.

Psalms 144 verse 3 asks the question which i can relate to, very much “O Lord, what is man, that You take knowledge of him? Or the son of man, that You think of him?”

Yeah, i wonder: who am i that the Lord thinks about me?

There’s a LOT to say about this question, but for now i just want to leave it be, as i wanted to write about something the Lord revealed to me this evening, at the sing-in held by the church i attend.

While singing the Dutch version of the song Above All by Michael W. Smith, it really stood out to me that while hanging on the cross, the Lord thought of me. Above all things Christ Jesus could have thought about, like the loneliness He experienced, the humility of hanging there, the intense pain from the beatings He endured, the crown of thorns which was forced into His head and severely irritating the nerves in His head. He didn’t spent His last thoughts on the people that were doing this to Him, He didn’t searched the corners of His mind to find the most horrible curses to  express His hate against the ones that were murdering Him.

Jesus had lots of things to think about, lots of reasons to be bitter and spent His last thoughts on the situation He was in right there, hanging at the cross.

Jesus didn’t look at His circumstances.

He looked further.

He looked beyond the cross, beyond the pain, beyond the humiliation, beyond the loneliness.

He thought about you and He thought about me.

i have spent so many years trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. And to be honest i still spend a lot of time and energy trying to shrink myself. So i felt quite uncomfortable with the idea of the Lord thinking about me. Let alone spending His very last thoughts before He died a horrible death, on me.

When someone is looking my way, i always automatically screen myself “am i doing nothing wrong?”, “am i not standing in their way?” and so on. And so i thought about Jesus thinking of me, while He was dying. What would He think? What would He see?

i used to sing this song by Michael W. Smith quite a lot and always assumed Jesus would be thinking about how much He loved us, me. And that He would look at us as being one of His people.

Today i realized (and i strongly feel it was the Lord revealing something to me) Jesus wasn’t looking at a photograph of me. He wasn’t holding a frame with a picture of my baptism, or me kneeling down at my confession of faith. Nor was He seeing a picture of me at a praise concert, lifting my arms up to glorify His name. He also wasn't seeing a picture of me folding my hands to pray.

Jesus didn’t think about us in fragmented ways. He sees us as we are. When He thinks about us, He fully knows who we are.

When the Lord is thinking about us with precious thoughts (see Psalms 139:17), He is thinking about ALL that we are. He sees us at our strongest, our happiest, our best, our kindest, our funniest, our highs, but also at our lows, our weakest, our saddest, our worst, our ugliest, our darkest, our most hateful and bitter-filled days. He sees us when we are having faith strong enough to move a mountain, but also when we sit in our deepest & darkest pit.

Jesus died on that cross so that we could be whole. So that we could come to Him, just as we are – the best and the worst of our being – we don’t have to pretend.

In His presence it is safe to confess your sins, to lay down your hurt, your fears, your shame, before Him. He will not say that He died for you because of who you try to be. No. He is not deceived by the person you may portray to be. 

He knows who you are, deep down in your core, and He still decided you were worth dying for. But He didn’t quit there. He thought you were worth dying AND LIVING for. And living is what He wants for you, too. Living in freedom. Surrounded by His healing presence.

Please don’t try and leave a bit of darkness, that may be inside you, out of His sight. He already knows and He is ready to shine His light upon your darkness, not to crush you with His anger, not to leave you to wrestle with the darkness on your own, but to amaze you with His everlasting & unconditional love.

Text from the song "Arms Wide Open" by Misty Edwards

Original picture from http://lifepalette.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/love-cross-upside-down1.jpg

You gotta know God can handle your honesty

Sorry i haven’t been writing earlier. i really did not know what to write about.

my goal is to share something that is encouraging, thought provoking or uplifting or just good for a laugh. Lately i have been wrestling with a couple of things and i could not think of anything worth sharing with anyone, here on my blog.

When i listened to Mandisa’s song “Just Cry” this sentence got me thinking..

You gotta know God can handle your honesty

i really felt like that would be something i wanted to share with others.

No idea if i could write a whole blog post about it.

Maybe i can’t. It’ll just have to be a shortie then :)

God can handle your honesty

He can handle my honesty

Honesty - The quality of being honest

Honest - Free of deceit; truthful and sincere

i often times feel the need to sugarcoat my thoughts and feelings.

Maybe even my hesitation to write a new blog post because what i had to write wasn’t ‘uplifting or encouraging or joyful’ enough.. is a display of not being completely honest. i don’t think i need to be completely honest on this blog. It’s okay to keep certain things to myself. i just don’t think i would be doing anyone a favor by “displaying” all my thoughts and feelings here on this blog. Everyone has their own battles, the good or bad, the happy or sad.

There’s no need to bombard you with mine.

i don’t try to say we all should bottle things up inside and hide our true selves. Not at all.

i just mean it’s healthy and natural to be selective in what you do and don’t share with other people.

And i pray everyone has at least one or two people in their lives who they are comfortable enough to share important aspects of their lives with. For we never were created to go through live on our own.

Still it is important to have people in your life who you can share the important stuff with.

Though in human relationships it is important and healthy to set boundaries and make choices in what you wish to share and keep for yourself.. It’s a whole different story when it comes down to our relationship with the Lord.

We don’t have to be selective in our prayers.

He doesn’t want us to sugarcoat our thoughts and feelings for Him.

It’s no use doing so, since He sees the depths of our hearts anyway (Psalm 139)

Us, human beings, simply can’t handle to always know all of the (ugly) details about the numerous battles we humans face while living on Earth. We need to be selective in what we share and with whom, in order to protect ourselves and others. We simply cannot carry the weight of the world.

Sometimes when spending time with the Lord, praying, i catch myself trying to protect Him too.

It sometimes gets so naturally to keep the hard stuff, the real stuff, outside of my prayers.

But Mandisa is right, putting me straight:

the Lord is perfectly capable of dealing with my honesty.

He can handle my raw feelings and thoughts.

He doesn’t need me to sugarcoat any single one of them.

Truth is, He already knows every single one of them.

But He waits on me to give Him all of me.

He waits on me to surrender myself to Him.

He wants all of me.

The good, the bad

the happy, the sad

the dark, the light

all day, all night.

He wants all of me.

He wants all of you.

And He wants you to know that He can handle your honesty

Strength

Strength - What is that? What’s it like? How does it show in your character, your behavior?

Whenever i feel at my lowest and i am struggling real hard with whatever comes my way,

there’s some people that tell me i am strong

And i wonder what that even means

i do think it’s nice of them to say

and i want to believe they mean it when they do

It’s just i can’t see it myself

so how can it be true?

What does it mean to be “strong”?

Here are some of the answers i could come up with:

To be strong is having fears and not letting them stop you

Being strong is daring to be independent

To be strong is making your own choices

Being strong is being exhausted but pushing through anyway

To be strong is daring to be different

Being strong is being broken, but somehow manage to hold the scattered pieces in place

To be strong is wanting to give up, trying to give up, only to encounter your own strength and God's, reminding you why you held on for so long in the first place

To be honest, sometimes the words “strength” and “being strong” really tick me off

i wonder: How can everybody see my strength and i just can’t?

i can’t see it, i can’t feel it..

The discrepancy makes me question myself and the world

And sometimes i don’t want to be strong.

i just want to cry, curl up in a corner

and maybe try to let someone hold me close

yeah, sometimes i can relate to this quote so much..

Trying to find some answers to the questions i started this blog post with, i looked up some quotes on being strong. These are the ones that stood out to me:

You don’t know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have ~ Unknown

A quote i have heard many times, and i believe i have used it also.. But now i think about it again.. i’m not really sure what to make of it. How does it answer my question about what it means to be “strong”? i don’t know.

Being strong doesn’t mean that you can handle every difficult situation on your own, it means that you have the sense to ask God and others for help ~ Nishan Panwar

That’s a hard one for me. i’m not good at asking for help.. But if that really is the (only) meaning of being strong, than people are really wrong whenever they talk about me being strong.

Being strong means rejoicing in who you are, complete with imperfections ~ Margaret Woodhouse

i don’t see myself rejoicing in who i am.. So that would indicate i’m not a very strong person.. Or maybe this is just another facet of the concept “to be strong” and there’s no ONE way to be strong and show your strength?

i’d like to end this blog post with an excerpt from the lyrics to one of my favourite songs about Being Strong. ~ It’s a song by Matthew West, called “Strong Enough”

Cause i'm broken
down to nothing
But i'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and You are strong
when i am weak

i know i'm not strong enough to be
everything that i'm supposed to be
i give up
i'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't You cover me
Lord, right now i'm asking You to be
Strong enough

i find comfort that – whether people think i’m strong or not, whether i am strong or not – the Lord is my Strength.

He is strong enough for the both of us.

And He wants to be strong enough for you, too.

Isaiah 40:29

i will Stand my Ground

Hi there,

i have been putting a playlist together with some songs to remind me to put my trust in the Lord, fix my eyes on Jesus and to -no matter what happens- never ever give up fighting..

Today i like to share one of those songs i recently added to the playlist. It's "Stand my Ground" by Within Temptation. i would like to share the lyrics and jot down some thoughts about what it means to me and how i like to interpret it.

Within Temptation - Stand my Ground

i can see when you stay low nothing happens. Does it feel right?

Late at night, things i thought i put behind me, haunt my mind
i just know there's no escape now once it sets its eyes on you

but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye..

Lately i have had a lot on my mind, things that scare me. And i really really wish i could just walk away from it. But i know i can't. Some things are memories i've tried to forget for years. Others are thoughts, feelings, that i can not exactly explain. The feelings & thoughts are too vivid & all-consuming to just rationalize them away. But since there's no simple explanation for those thoughts and feelings i'd rather just hide myself and bury those thoughts with me. i have done that before. And it helps for some time, but eventually it catches up with me again. So i decided to stop running and start facing 'it'. i am starting to speak up about it and share my thoughts and feelings with someone. It isn't easy, but i know i will.. {back to the song}

Chorus:

Stand my ground, i won't give in

no more denying, i've got to face it

won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside

If i don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

i will stay strong. i know i don't feel like i will be able to stand my ground and those feelings are like way too overwhelming to be able to just let them be and fight my way through it. But i will keep reminding myself that if i don't make it, Someone Else will stand my ground. The Lord will be the one fighting for me, when i can't do it myself. And that's what helps me to not run away again.

It's all around getting stronger, coming closer into my world

i can feel that it's time for me to face it. Can i take it?

i feel like i can not take it. i don't feel much stronger than before when i chose to hide myself away instead of facing my fears. But i also know it's not only about what i can take & what i can face. It's about what the Lord wants me to do. i don't think it's a coincidence those feelings and thougths have become so strong again. i don't believe in coincidences. So i will have to take it as it is and ask the Lord 'what do You want me to do now?'. 

Though this might just be the ending of the life i held so dear,

but i won't run, there's no turning back from here.

i have been running for so long, it will be hard to stop running and let myself be seen & heard. It will be hard to start speeking up and sharing what's on my mind, in stead of just burying it underneath my skin. Yes, it will be hard. But it will also be worth it. So i won't run anymore. i just won't.

(Chorus)

All i know for sure is i'm trying

i will always stand my ground

i don't know how things will turn out. i have no idea if i'll be able to quit running and to start facing those thoughts and feelings. But i don know i will be TRYING. That is all i can do and that is what i will be doing. It comforts me to know that the Lord will be there with me. When i can't go on anymore, He will be the One standing my ground.

(Chorus 2x)

Maybe it sounds strong when i write about not giving up and facing my fears, my thoughts and my feelings. To be honest, i don't feel so strong. i do know this song helps me to get some of my fight back though. For it tells me that giving up and running away won't ever be able to change things. And that in order to grow stronger, i will need to face the obstacles i am experiencing now.

i find hope and comfort in knowing that i won't ever have to face those obstacles on my own.

"When i don't make it, Someone Else will stand my ground"

Blessings

So, it's been a while.
Christmas break is over now. And everything is getting back to normal, right?
That's kinda what i was waiting on before writing a blog post again. i didn't want to do a Happy Holidays blog post. Since i have been struggling a lot these last couple of weeks and just couldn't get myself to pretend i had some Holiday Spirit.

Though i had my struggles, i still hope you all had a Merry Christmas, a wonderful New Year's Eve and i wish you many Blessings for 2015.


2015.. a brand new year.
i don't want to pretend i love New Year's Eve. i don't want to pretend i believe there's something special about all the fuss revolving around NYE. Like the 4 changing into a 5 will magically erase all the bad and the world will be all brighter and happier now. The collective reflecting on the past year always scares me. i always am reflecting about things, it's in my blood, i'm just a very analytical person. When everywhere around me, i hear people reflecting - i feel pressured. i feel pressured into sharing my thought patterns, i feel pressured into pretending to be more cheerful than i really am.
To be real honest with ya, i kinda am a bit skeptical about all the New Year resolutions (you wouldn't have guessed that, now, would you? :p). i mean, why do you need to wait 'til January 1st to set a goal and start over? There's a chance to choose what's right, everyday. We can all start over, every day, every hour, every sec..

This year i have been less skeptic than before though. There's been a lot going on the last couple of months and there have been some changes - both good and bad, but i try to focus on the good ones more;)
It's true we can decide to do things differently every moment of any day. Still, i see the good in people sharing about their resolutions, setting goals together and refreshing their priorities. i still am glad it's over now and life can get back to normal.. But yeah, i am happy for the ones who enjoy the Holidays. i've got some good news for them: It's an annual celebration. In less than 50 weeks, there'll be Holiday Spirit everywhere. And oh, i heard Harrods has a Christmas department open all year.. ;-)

For the coming year i hope to write lots of blog posts and to challenge myself everyday. Trying to work through my fears one by one. Starting today with my swimming challenge.. Check:)

Last year's lesson is beautifully stated in the following quote from Kathy Loun Stilley:

"Some people are determined to pull you into their storm. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is hand them an umbrella, and let them ride it out alone."

So, that was 2014's lesson.. i wonder what class i'll be taking this year.

i'd love to hear about your lesson from last year. Don't feel pressured though. If you'd like to share, please leave a comment.

Yesterday's sunset.. Isn't it stunning and bright?

The Mirror Scene

Yesterday i watched Narnia the voyage of the Dawn Treader, again. i actually saw it in the cinema when it came out here in the Netherlands. There was this one scene that spoke to me back then. It’s what i refer to as ‘the Mirror Scene’ and it actually was the reason for me to see the movie once more (and i think this won't be the last time for me enjoying this movie xD). For those of you who haven’t read or watched the Narnia Chronicles, i would recommend to look up a summary on the internet. i haven’t seen all the movies, didn’t read all the books and am sure i would do an awful job trying to summarize the story. It isn’t necessary to know the Narnia story for what i’m about to write about this particular scene though..

In short, before this 'mirror scene' this girl named Lucy, found a magical Book of Incantations which was filled with spells. While looking for another spell, she found the ‘Beauty Spell’, which was explained: “An infallible spell to make you she, the beauty you’ve always wanted to be”. Lucy felt inferior to her sister Susan and whished to be just as beautiful as her.

While alone in her cabin (as she was on board of the ship, the Dawn Treader) she secretly recited the Beauty incantation she had ripped from the book:

“Transform my reflection,

Cast into perfection

Lashes, lips and complexion

Make me she,

Whom i’d agree

Hold more beauty over me”

This was were i get goosebumps. i don’t really know how to explain what really happens inside of me when i see this scene. But it gets to me somehow. And i believe there are more people (not just girls or women) out there who can identify with Lucy, wanting to be like someone else.

To me it’s a moment for reflection. Is there someone i think holds more beauty over me?

Surprise surprise, this scene speaks to me – in more ways than i could possibly explain in just a single blog post – because in fact i know i do agree on this. i remember myself even as a little kid of just 4 or 5 years of age wanting to be like someone else. Back then it was kind of a cute admiration. But with the years this admiration became less cute and more all-consuming.

Back to ‘the Mirror Scene’.

When Lucy recited the spell, she saw herself in a mirror’s reflection, being transformed into her more beautiful sister Susan. There was a vision in the mirror’s reflection were Lucy – looking like Susan – was at a garden party with both her brothers escorting her for a photograph. Her brothers knew nothing of Lucy or Narnia and called her Susan.

Fearful that Lucy or Narnia no longer existed, Lucy yelled: “Stop this!”. The mirror reflection changed back and Lucy was looking at herself again.

Then – and this is the most wonderful part of the scene, in my opinion that is – Aslan appears in the mirror. He cautions Lucy about doubting herself, saying:

“You wished yourself away, and with it much more.

Your brothers and sister wouldn't know Narnia without you, Lucy.

You discovered it first, remember?...

You doubt your value. Don't run from who you are.”

Well, discovering Narnia isn’t something i did. So that’s not much of a comforting thought hehe. But the wishing myself away part, the doubting my value and running from who i am.. i can relate to that. And although it didn’t hinder my brother and sister in knowing Narnia (it actually is the other way 'round: my brother is the one who gotten me to know Narnia) i am pretty convinced wishing ourselves away and changing who we are because we think someone else is better than us – it has more of an influence than we may ever know.

As i’m writing this i know i still haven’t fully embraced who i am. To be honest with you, i am far from accepting myself, just the way i am. But watching this movie and thinking about this ‘mirror scene’ has been a wake up call. It opened my eyes to continue my journey of discovering who i was, who i am and who i want to be. Not as in who i want to be like, in comparison to someone else. But in comparison to myself, as a way of getting to know myself better, embracing my gifts AND my flaws. So that when i grow up, i will be more and more just like me. 

Christmas

Just a couple more weeks, well more like a week and a half, and it’ll be Christmas.

Everywhere i look there’s Christmas. Adverts, Christmas cookies, Christmas decorations, the playlist on the radio is full of Christmas songs.. i find myself dreading it..

i love the lights, i love the cosy decorations, i love the smiles of people talking about their plans for Christmas break.. But inside i feel like an ice cold hand is creeping up on me and freezing my heart. i’m dreading Christmas. Why?

There’s more than one reason, i guess. Things usually are more complicated than a simple x -> y. But the most important reason is me being afraid to mess it up.

Christmas has become a holiday about getting-together, special dinners, grant parties, lots of people and lots of food. i’m beyond lucky my family isn’t throwing big dinners and it probably will be just the five of us (four actually, my brother will be spending Christmas with his roommates & friends). Still i feel lots of pressure. i am scared beyond words that i’ll mess it up.

Then again, when i think about it. What is Christmas really about?

Is it about making sure you won’t forget anyone while sending the Christmas cards? Is it about the trees and all the special decorations? Is it about the presents under the tree? Or the ball dresses?

Those extra’s are nice, don’t get me wrong. i love the lights, they make this cold winter season so much brighter J i love how people take time to send cards at this time of year. It’s a way of thinking about each other, letting people know that they’re special to you.

Maybe i’m not sending Christmas cards this year, but i do want people to know i’m thinking of them. Praying they will have a wonderful time, no matter their plans for Christmas break. Whether you are dreading all the festivities, looking forward to them, hardly being able to wait till you can finally dress up for one of those dinners of parties you’ll be attending this year. Whether you turn the radio off whenever there’s a Christmas song, or searching for your favorites on Youtube. Whether you are having plans with your friends or family or plan to stay home, hibernating – hiding in your bed, waiting for it all to be over and people turning back to normal..

No matter what your plans are, i am here thinking of you. Wishing you all the best. There’s no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas. Just remember, at its core, Christmas is not about all those grant commercial things. You really can’t mess up Christmas, for it’s not about you. Christmas is about this little boy, who gave up Heaven to be one of us. It’s about Christ giving up His all, to become just like you and me. It’s about Him who was born to be our Savior. It’s about Christ who was born, because of His tremendous love for us. He came into this world because He thought we are to die for. It’s about Him showing His love to us, no matter what we have done, are doing right now, or will be doing. It’s about Him choosing to become human, in all brokenness, so one day, one glorious day, we will be whole.

He is the reason, not only for this season, but for my whole life!

Knowing that, i can rest. For i won’t mess it up this Christmas.

Wishing you all a blessed CHRISTmas this year.

May the Lord be with you, always.

Favourite activities (AKA hobbies)?

As for you to get to know me a bit better, i thought i'd start with a post about my favourite activities.
Seems like a very easy & low-key topic to you?
Maybe it is, but to be completely honest to me it's not that simple.
And it wouldn't surprise me if there's someone out there who also understand some of the complexity i experience when it comes to hobbies.

Whenever someone asks me about my favourite activities, i usually don't really know what to answer. i am not really sure what it is like to have a favourite activity anymore. Taking some time for myself, relax a bit and enjoy all this in the meantime isn't that simple for me. Why would i take things easy and put my feet up when i have a million things on my to-do-list that had to be done the day before yesterday..?
Back to the question about my hobbies: It's easier for me to look back in time, to when i was a kid. When playing and doing things you love were a 'normal' part of day-by-day life and i didn't think about it as much as i do know. What did i spend my time and energy on, back in the day?

Uhm.. writing. Most of my free time i spent writing. All kinds of things. Stories, diaries, notes for friends and family. And reading. Lots of reading. i've always been an uber-bookworm.
i also loved to play outside, all kinds of sports. There wasn't really a sport or outdoor game i didn't enjoy. i loved to sing too. i made up my own songs, with a non-existent language. Another thing i loved to do was make my own copy of parlour games. Whenever i played such a game at my friend's home and i wanted to be able to play it at home with my parents also, i just tried to make my very own duplicate of the game. For me there was no need to buy the 'real' game. my handmade versions were good enough and a lot cheaper lol :) i enjoyed crafting my versions of parlour games. i loved crafting in general, and i still do.

As time went by and i learned to play the piano. At first i taught myself to play. Later on i did have some lessons. When i was old enough i started baby-sitting. Something i still do from time to time. i adore kids. i always have and always will! They carry a special key that fits right into the lock on my heart. When i'm around them i am a different person. It's almost magical. i am so blessed the Lord gave me so much contact with families in our church.

There were lots of things i loved to do. And i still feel that warm feeling in my heart when i think of those activities. However things changed. i still do some of those activities and i try to do them on a regular basis. Since depression kicked in at age 7 the joy of my hobbies just seems to slowly fade away. i still play the piano, but my perfectionism makes it hard to enjoy it. i still try to write or read or do sports.. However my obsessive tendencies make it hard to do those activities in a healthy way, to enjoy it without it taking over my life.


i find myself learning about balance. Something that's been missing most of my life.
It's hard to set healthy boundaries, to set time away for my favourite activities, without feeling guilty about all the other things i still have to do and without putting all those perfectionism-pressure on myself.

i said i am learning. This blog is one of my attempts to schedule one of the things i like most (writing) into my daily life again. We'll see how it goes from here :)
As of today i don't have any clues about what i'll write about or how frequent i'll be posting. 
It'll be a journey of learning not to be too hard on myself. And my wish for you is that while i'll be walking my journey and sharing some of my thoughts here on this blog, you will find yourself learning to be gentle with yourself also.

You are worth it! ;) You really are!

Welcome

Hi there beautiful!

Welcome here on my little blog. It's a place where i want to share some of my thoughts with you. Thoughts about my life, the happy days and the sad. my highs and my lows.

Mostly the happy days with lots of highs though. For i want this to be a place of encouragement. A place of enjoying those little things in life, and sharing those special moments. 

Read, look, smile and enjoy.

Big, gentle hugs,

Allysson


oh wait, i haven't properly introduced myself yet:
i'm Allysson (aka Ally or Ellusz)
22 years young {edited September, 2015)
Applied Science of Psychology student

*not sure what to say more about me
if you want to get to know me,
follow me on this blog*
xD