Light in the Dark (Original Song)

Here's another song i wrote.

It's about searching for light while life is hard on you and you can't see anything but darkness.

i hope it will encourage you somehow.

Prayer for Comfort (Original Song)

This is a song i wrote for friends who recently lost their son.

But i decided to share it on here as well, because i hope it can be a blessing to other people as well.

For we all from time to time will go through seasons where we need comfort.

So yeah, here it is.

i hope & pray that it will bless you.

<3

ps. i know it's far from perfect ;)
i've just recently started trying to teach myself how to play the guitar :)

Serving the Lord

Serving the Lord... i always thought that this meant i had to spend every split second looking for ways i could make my Heavenly Father happy and proud. Looking for something to do or say to continuously praise Him and give Him thanks.

i really wanted to do all this.

Because i really love God, i really really wanted to exploit all the possibilities there are in the world to let Him know.

But the truth is, that there was no real joy in all this.

It made me tired even thinking about it.

i wanted to serve Him, yet it also made me feel very uncomfortable.

i realized my ability to think of ways to serve Him would never ever be enough.

Not good enough, not creative enough, …

i knew i would always come short. Big time.

And this made me feel very sad.

i did not understand the concept of serving the Lord.

And even though i realize i am most likely still not grasping the whole concept of serving the Lord, i’d like to share the insight i had today.

The Lord wants us to serve Him.

And He Himself will tell us what He’d like and when.

He does not want us to spend all our time and energy trying to figure out what He needs us to do and then do all those things we can come up with.

He simply wants us to wait for Him.

To be available to Him.

To be ready the second He speaks to us and asks something of us.

He wants to be the One Who is revealing His will to us.

i don’t have to be running around in my thought circles in that little tiny mind of mine…

His ways are beyond what i can think or imagine. So yes, of course i would fall short if i would try to figure out His will inside the limits of my own thinking.

But today i had this picture of a scene:

A wealthy master, surrounded by servants. And there was this one servant, who was continuously doing what she though her master might want her to do. Whatever her mind was thinking of that the master could want her to bring or clean or do, she would do it.

So here she knocks on the door of the master’s office and brings him a cup of coffee: “Sir, would you like a cup of coffee?”. She places the cup of coffee on his desk. But as she walks out of the door she realizes she did not know whether he wanted coffee and decides to go back to the kitchen and also make him a cup of tea. Just a few minutes later she knocks on the door again. “Sir, i thought you might not have wanted coffee, so here’s also a cup of tea. Or would you rather have something else to drink? i could also bring you some fresh water? Or perhaps a glass of wine?”

i guess in most cases the master would let her know what he’d like to drink (that is, IF he was thirsty in the first place). That way the servant would know what to bring him (or take away).

The master sips his coffee and the servant can leave the room with a sense of satisfaction. Her master is content and she is glad, relieved. But then as she steps out of the office she is feverishly looking for something else to do to serve her master.

She is restless and decides to mop the floors. She thought her master would really appreciate it. Fifteen minutes later the whole floor in the hallway is wet. The servant stands up and looks satisfied at her work. She is just about ready to go and find something else to do, as the office door opens and the master screams as he falls flat.

The servant hastens to her master and keeps apologizing, while in her head she keeps telling herself how stupid she is for forgetting to warn him for the wet floor. But then again, she didn’t tell him because she wanted to surprise him. She asks if the master is hurting anywhere and helps him up. She tells herself she will not make this mistake again and from now on she will be an even better servant.

Oh, i know i’ve been this servant so many times. Stuck in my attempts to be the best servant i can possibly be. To surprise the Lord with something special i wanted to do for Him to make Him proud of His servant. And so many times i felt stupid, disappointed in myself. i can’t even begin to count the many times the Lord must have (almost) tripped over something i tried to do for Him, that wasn’t the right thing or the right time and ended up being a roadblock in His way…

Today the Lord told me that this is not the way He wants for us to serve Him.

He wants to use us. Yes. He wants us to do great works for Him. Yes. But we don’t have to exhaust ourselves thinking of everything we could do for Him. i never understood that.

The Lord has already predestined the good works we can do for the glory of His Kingdom.

 

 

To me this always made me feel a bit like going on an egg hunt. God had all those good works planned for me and i had to do my best to find out what those good works were (just like looking for eggs in an egg hunt) and then go about and do them. i must say this always made me tiresome and exhausted and i felt frustration and disappointment when i could not figure out what those good works were.

But God is not doing an egg hunt with us. He doesn’t want to hide those good works so we waste our energy trying to find out what He wants for us to do, only to grow weary.

He is our master. And He will let us know what He wants, when He wants it.

Just like a master will ring the bell to call for his servant and ask her to bring him a cuppa coffee just the way he likes it, when he likes it, God will be letting us know what He would like us to do as well.

The Lord will be ringing the bell, asking for our attention, when He has something for us to do. Our job in the meantime is to listen for His call, do our usual, everyday life activities and make sure we are at all times close enough to our Master to hear Him when He calls us.

Yes, waiting for His call can seem pointless or boring. Just like the servant in the story you could be restless, boiling inside, wanting to do something special for the Lord.  You might want to surprise Him, amaze Him. And just waiting for His call and doing what He is asking of you (nothing less, but also nothing more) may seem too little, too easy, too normal.

 i understand. When you are amazed by God’s riches in love and mercy, you want to do something great to express your gratitude to Him. When His love touches your soul, you almost explode and can’t wait to set something in motion to show the world the miracle of His unconditional, everlasting love.

But the truth is, God knows your heart. He already knows how amazed you are and how deep your gratitude goes. He knows.

God knows us as we are. Who we are right now. But also who we’ve been and who we’re going to be. He knows what we are doing right now. He knows what we’ve done in the past and He knows all about the things we will be doing in times yet to come.

The Lord Himself prepared for us the good works He wants us to do and the paths He wants us to take.

We cannot surprise Him.

And yes, that can make us sad. But it can also be a great comfort to us.

Because sometimes we will fall short. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes our words may come out all wrong and we will choose to do the wrong things.

Then we may find comfort in knowing that the Lord already knew where we’re heading, long before we realized something was off. And He won’t be disappointed in us. Yes, we will make mistakes and those mistakes will grieve our Master. But He won’t be surprised and therefore He won’t be disappointed.

We cannot cause Him to love us any less by making our worst mistake ever.

But we also cannot cause Him to love us any more by achieving our greatest goal.

And i guess fully realizing that will bring us a lot of peace of mind ;)

Bucket List

You know, i’m that kind of girl who’s always making lists. To-do-lists are as much needed as oxygen to keep me going… Sometimes i feel like i’m knee-deep in all of my to-do-lists. Sometimes i can’t even see what list has priority. They all seem to be important. And so it happened that a while back i found a little notebook in one of my storage boxes. There are a lot of interesting things written down.. It really was a trip down memory-lane. Not a trip to the best years of my life (definitely not) but still it was interesting to read the things that were important to me back then. One of the lists stood out to me. It was my Bucket List:

What i wanna do some day:

-          motorcycling

-          going to South-Africa

-          studying Psychology

-          graduate from High School

-          summerjob at a Christian Summercamp for kids

-          working at the Dolphinarium

-          attending & helping at the Flevo Festival

-          attending & helping at the Christian Youth Day (for my Dutch readers: i’m talking about the EO Jongerendag)

-          helping (HIV/AIDS) orphans and giving them love

-          horseback-riding

-          acting

-          modeling

-          working at a shop eg. the HEMA

-          finishing my story and publishing it

-          swimming with dolphins

So uhm yeah… i guess this is quite a list… But the funny thing is, there are quite some items that can be checked off :) and i truly am surprised with how i have been able to pursue my dreams over the past few years…

x          Motorcycling

This is something i still have to do. However, i can proudly say that quad riding has been a terrific experience as well!

✓        Going to South-Africa

Yay, this one has come true! The Summer of 2013 was incredible. i can’t believe i’ve actually been able to go visit my country of birth and see where i’ve been spending the first years of my life.

✓          Studying Psychology

Against all odds i’ve managed to pass all my tests and finish my internship successfully. All that’s left for me is to do my final research project. Yeah, i know it’s a huge mountain to climb for me. But God willing i will find the right place and in His timing receive my certificate…

✓          Graduate from High School

Once again something i did against all odds. While being inpatient and with less than 6 months preparation for my exams i managed to pass them…

✓         Summerjob at a Christian Summercamp for kids

It wasn’t a “job” as in i wasn’t getting paid or anything. But Summer of 2008 i joined the Free x/s team. A team full of wonderful people from my local church. i enjoyed helping out with the sport clinics, join the drama team and share the love of Christ with the kids & youth that participated with the activities.

x          Working at the Dolphinarium

This one is still a dream for me…

✓/x    Attending & helping at the Flevo Festival

i did attend the Flevo Festival. One night stands out to me. It was the night of Rebecca St. James’ concert, back in 2009. i feel so blessed my dad got tickets for us. The Lord really really spoke to me that evening. Through the song “You are Loved” and through the rolling of the thunder and the lightning… Our God is an awesome God and i won’t ever forget this moment. (And i won’t forget the meeting with Rebecca St. James afterwards).

✓/x    Attending & helping at the Christian Youth Day (for my Dutch readers: i’m talking about the EO Jongerendag)

It’s been a while since i last went, but i have been to some really great Christian Youth Days here in Holland! i enjoyed shows by Barlow Girl, Salvador, and many more Christian bands from all over the world. And i loved how i could feel the Lord’s presence among all the people who gathered to praise His Holy Name!

✓          Helping (HIV/AIDS) orphans and giving them love

During our vacation in South Africa back in 2013 i was blessed to spend 1,5 days at the children’s home Takalani. i loved playing with the kids, sharing the love of Christ and talking with the staff. Yes, these kids have a special place in my heart.

✓          Horseback-riding

Horses are incredible creatures. They are so sensible and full of love. i enjoy spending time with them and am very blessed for all the opportunities i have had to ride them, play with them, learn from them, take care of them. Trick-riding, equitherapy and riding through the South African nature are definitely some highlights of my experiences with horses that i will always cherish.

✓          Acting

Growing up i loved to act with my friends. We made up stories, we wrote plays and we jumped in front of the camera recording a television show (and the commercials for the break :p)… And even though i can come across as shy and timid, i always had this dream to act in a movie/tv series. To be honest i never ever thought that i would do it… That i would actually have the nerves to try out for a casting… But well, miracles do happen and in my craziness i did it. i got to go to a casting for a local TV series (Groote Markt 30 @ RTV Oost) and even though i did not get the part, i was still invited to come over and be an extra. So yeah, i think that was such an incredible experience (both the casting & the being an extra) that it qualifies for checking off this item.

x          Modeling as a part-time job

Nope, this one has not become reality. And i guess i can only say that i’m thankful for that. i am not confident about my body (or myself for that matter) and i guess it would not be beneficial for me to join the fashion industry. i loved & enjoyed the photoshoots i had with my friends, sister & at summer camp. Those are the moments i will cherish!

✓          Working at a shop eg. the HEMA

It wasn’t the HEMA, but i did manage to find a part-time job at the Action for quite some time. Though it had it’s pros and cons, i definitely learned a lot during my time there.

✓          Finishing my story and publishing it

Oh yeah. Although there are quite some items that i found most unlikely to come true… This one definitely makes the top3. September 2011 i published my own book (in Dutch). (i chose an alter ego for privacy reasons, as it is a book about my personal experience with mental health struggles – therefore i won’t name the title here. But if you’d like to know more about it, please feel free to contact me).

✓          Swimming with dolphins

This one also makes the top3 of most unlikely to come true… And yet… i have. It was such an amazing encounter with dolphins. i often look back to this special day. Words cannot describe how incredible this experience was (and is) to me and how i frequently take time to look back and let the memories warm my heart.

So yeah, that was quite the list. As i look back on all these experiences i recall many more beautiful & precious moments i have had over the years. Many of them shared with lovely people that mean the world to me.

There’s only one thing left for me to say about this: i know i am truly blessed.

In Loving Memory of my Dear Recovery-Buddy

Last Friday my sweet guinea pig Smarty passed away. To some people it may seem odd that it hurts me so much that she died. And that’s okay, not everyone needs to understand. This blog is not me trying to justify my emotions or explaining myself to people who just won’t get it. It’s me wanting to write about the special place this little creature had in my life. It’s me honoring who she was and trying to draw from the confidence she gave me.

The story of this sweet little animal begins Springtime 2009. At the time i was inpatient because of my out-of-control eating disorder & undiagnosed depression. Being inpatient was hard on me and i clang to something to keep me motivated. One day when our group was having an outing to IKEA to buy some new items for the treatment center, i saw this cute stuffed animal. It was a guinea pig. i bought it as a “buddy” to comfort me whenever i was having a hard time. That very day at the IKEA i decided when i was returning home i really really wanted to have my own guinea pig to look after and care for.

Well, i wish i could tell you this all helped me find the strength i needed to recover completely and return home for once and for all to live happily ever after with my guinea piggy. That was not the case. After that IKEA day i spent another year and several months in different inpatient facilities. But… i never forgot about my plans and when i finally got discharged and went home July 2010 one of the first things i did was going to the pet store and buy my sweetheart Smarty. She was so tiny and cute as you can see in these pics:

i was in love with her.

Smarty really came to the rescue. She really helped me because she loved me just as i was. She didn’t care about all my problems, she didn’t care about my weight or my scars. She just appreciated my care for her and she always was in a good mood! Yes, i can’t think of a moment she was grumpy or angry with me (except for when i had to clip her nails… that was something she didn’t really enjoy).

Smarty was my recovery-buddy.

She helped me when i was feeling sad, lonely, anxious, hopeless, useless, worthless.

Cuddling with her helped me feel better. Watching her walk around and explore the room made my day brighter. She was a smart little one (her name really suited her :p) and i enjoyed being amazed by her talent for counting (she knew how much apple slices i usually gave her) and telling time (she knew when it was time for my breakfast, lunch or fruity snacks). 

 

As i have continued to struggle with my eating disorder over the past years, it really helped me that Smarty was there to eat with me. It helped to give her some of my cucumber or carrot or apple et cetera, whenever it was time for me to stick to my meal plan. It was fun sharing with her and seeing her enjoy her food helped me normalize the concept of eating. She taught me that eating was good and normal and she gave me a reason to fight. After all, who could leave such a smart & cute sweetheart behind?

Yes, Smarty was my brave recovery-buddy. She made my life a brighter place. She was one of the brightest little sparks in my over-all darkness.

She could not prevent me from several hospitalizations. She could not prevent me from some major relapses. That isn’t because she was not amazing. That’s not because she wasn’t perfect. Smarty was amazing. And i tend to say she was perfect. (i’m allowed to be a little biased here, am i? :p) It simply is because my mental illnesses were too real and too stubborn and no one could have prevented those relapses.

But the amazing thing about Smarty is that she was always there for me during those difficult times. She was always waiting for me when i got back from the hospitalizations. And she never judged. She never forgot about me. The moment i walked into the room again –no matter how long i’d been away for– she always recognized my footsteps, my voice, and she knew when to ask her ‘mommy’ for some delicious foods.

She helped me settle in when i was moving out of my parent’s place and started the adventure of living on my own (with my recovery-buddy of course!). She prevented me from getting lonely. She always was waiting for me when i got home. She made home home.

Smarty almost got to be 6,5 years old.

It’s only been a couple of days but i miss her a lot.

Eating isn’t the same without her. Without my recovery-buddy to eat along with me and tell me that it’s okay for me to eat. Without her telling me she wants more. Without her correcting me if i gave her one slice of apple less. Without her funny, smart and curious look. Without her playful interactions with the cat. She was fearless. She was beautiful. She was kind and strong and smart. She was loving and caring. She was amazing. She was all those things i wanted to be, too. And she was mine.

i love her. my Smarty. my Furry Friend. my Recovery-Buddy.

i miss her.

2^nd May 2010 ~ 23^rd September 2016

my dearest Smarty, i will try to look after myself as i would have cared for you. Until one sweet day we will meet again and you can show me around in the beautiful fields of Heaven.

Voices

As i was studying in the Word last week, i felt like there was something that just “clicked” in my mind. i had been pondering some things and struggled to see how i should go about it. What did the Lord want me to do? Was He speaking to me? Asking me to change my ways? Or was it just Satan filling my mind with doubts and obsessions? i did not know.

But then i felt like Someone was calling me back to the basics. As if the Lord Himself was speaking to me, asking me “What do you know about Me?”. And i started writing some things down that helped me see clearer and clearer. And i thought it may be worth sharing, so here it goes.

Some questions to ask yourself to determine if it’s God or Satan speaking:

• Does it lift you up or tear you down?

• Does it encourage or discourage you?

• Do you feel energized or pressed down into a corner?

• Is the tone of voice gentle, loving & caring, or more of the bullying type?

• Does it sound like a gentle nudge in the right direction? Or is it more the “if you won’t do it, i will hate you” kind of pressure?

Remember, God always has your best interest at heart. When He is trying to tell you something, when He is asking you to change something or to do/not do something, He will always surround you with His amazing love and powerful grace.

He won’t bully you into it. He will let the ultimate choice be yours and is willing to help you obey Him.

He will keep reminding you of His will and He will use different resources to help you see His will: the Word, the Spirit, other people – to name a few.

And i’m saying this as much to you as to myself:

Don’t let Satan bully you into something by tearing you down, discouraging you, pressuring you with unkind words.

God won’t ever call you names. If He wants you to change your ways, He will say so, gently. Yes, He may be speaking firmly, but He will always, always be surrounding you with His everlasting, all-powerful love and mercy!

(and yes, i know this takes practice and i’m nowhere near where i want to be. But hey, life is about learning, falling and getting up again, right?)

i may not be where i want to be, but thank God i am not where i used to be

*On my way*

Mentally Blind

“Why can’t you see that?”

“i hope one day you will see yourself the way i do see you”

Just some phrases people have said to me, numerous times.

“Do you really not know how … (something positive) you are?”

Uhm no. i can tell you really mean it when you say something positive about me.

i can tell you sometimes would want to grab and shake me until i see the same things as you do.

But i’m sorry to tell you i simply don’t see what you see when you are complimenting me on something, thanking me for something. And i’m not sure i ever will.

You know after years and years and countless hours of therapy to try and fix me up, trying to change my thought patterns, strengthen my self-esteem and gain more confidence, i still can’t see it. Truth be told, even my therapists are doubting i will ever be able to see the positive character traits other people see in me.

They are not doubting my ability to reflect on myself, but they are finally realizing that i’ve put all my effort in trying to change my self-image without any result.

To be honest, i always felt like everyone around me was blind. Like they were crazy for thinking that maybe sometimes i can be nice or do the right thing. But yeah, maybe i was too prideful and scared to admit that maybe there was something i could not see. But that i do not see it, doesn’t mean it can’t be there. And to say that all those people were completely wrong in their judgment of me – i don’t want to be so prideful and stubborn. So maybe in this situation i just need to admit that i’m in the minority and need to face up to the possibility that maybe other people have a point too. Maybe there is more to me than all those ugliness, stupidity and craziness i see.

So, if other people are right and i’m wrong, it looks like i’m mentally blind or something. It’s like i have no vision when it comes to me having positive character traits. i can only see all those things i am not, all that i can’t do and my brain only sees the mistakes i make, the things i fall short.

So no, i’m not asking you to compliment me again or more often. Or to repeat your thank you. i know you mean well but when i’m really honest, it always kinda freaks me out when people say something positive about me. It leaves me frustrated and feeling alone in my self-hate. Sometimes i just really long to meet someone who hates me too, for then i wouldn’t feel so lonely.  But then again, i guess people with a visual impairment feel kind of lonely in their visual darkness, too.

And now i’m wondering, wouldn’t it make sense that all those therapies and people trying to convince me otherwise – that it all just doesn’t sink in, if yes, of course i can hear them say all those things, but due to my mental blindness can not see or feel it?

It’s like trying to let a blind person see a sunset by describing the colors of the sun. If you’ve never been able to see something, how’d you know what colors are? How would you make a picture of it in your mind?

 i’m wondering when this mental blindness started. Was i born with it? Does my mental blindness have anything to do with the cancerous tumor of negative thoughts, feelings and memories i have due to negative situations? The hurtful things that people have said/done towards me early in life? i don’t know. Do i need to know when this blindness started, how it developed? Do i need to keep overanalyzing my negative thoughts, feelings and memories in the hope that there will somehow be a cure for my mental blindness in there?

Or do i need to face the fact that i’m mentally blind. That i simply can’t see myself the same way other people see me. Do i need to realize that it’s okay and start to find a way to live with this?

Do i need to try a bit harder and look and look again for something i simply just can’t see?

Or do i need to learn how to find my way through life knowing that i can not see everything the same way other people do? Are there “mental canes” i could learn how to use to walk through life? Is there some sort of a “mental Braille” that would help me communicate with people even though we won’t be able to show each other the mental image we both are having of me?

There’s so many questions left. But for now it feels freeing to know that maybe i’m not stupid for not seeing what other people can see. And i feel like i finally can face up to the possibility that maybe i won’t be able to agree with other people about who i am and what i can do. Maybe this mental blindness is some of the things that make me me. And it’s weird to say that, but maybe this is the very first thing i feel like i can accept about myself.

In its time

As i’m writing this i have just had a look at my clock to see what time it is.

And yet, i’m not sure what time it is. That’s what i want to figure out with this blogpost.

In Ecclesiastes 3 it talks about time. God says there’s a time for everything.

EVERYTHING.

That’s freedom. For most of the time i think i’m behind on my schedule.

More often than not i feel like i’m not having enough time to do all the things i need to do.

And here, right now, God is telling me there’s time for everything.

i guess it all is important, then. (i mean, why would there be time for everything if only half of that everything needs to be done?)

But what is everything? And how can it be there is a time for everything?

What time is it now?

First i’d like to quote Ecclesiastes 3:

A Time for Everything

There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven—

A time to be born and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw away stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to keep silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

i always felt like this was a Scripture i did not understand. (And most likely i still do not understand this Scripture completely)

Was it supposed to be reassuring that there was a time for everything?

i’m not sure how it can be comforting to know there’s a time appointed for hate or mourning or war.

It may be just me (although i doubt that) but i would not mind if there’d be no time for these things.

They are painful and  pretty damaging. Why would there be a time for such things?

(The Word gives us an answer as to why there is hurt and pain and death in this life. It all began in Genesis with the fall into sin. Not obeying God’s Word and falling for the lies and temptations of the Devil opened the door to all evil in this world.

Still, there’s more. God’s Word does not only speak of our sins and our faults and all the evil in the world. It also speaks of Jesus’ death and resurrection which make it possible for us to experience forgiveness for our sins and to live in freedom.

Okay, i’m not going to write about that for now. i’d like to go back to Ecclesiastes. i just felt this writing would not be complete without mentioning a tiny bit about the Gospel. But i’m fully aware there’s much more to say than i choose to do now.)

To me it’s not the question as to why there’s hurt and pain and evil in this world that struck me. But it was the concept of God allowing us time to deal with those things, that really spoke to me.

God does not ask of us to just sweep things that are uncomfortable under a rag. No. He sets apart a specific time for those things, whatever they may be.

That means that if you are suffering, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, … Whatever area you may be hurting in, God says that there will be time – just enough time – to deal with those things. AND that when the time is right, He will bring it to pass as well.

So in my personal situation i feel like it means that there was a time i was supposed to experience difficult situations that i did not understand. But that maybe the time is now for me to really deal with the emotions that go with those difficult situations. And that one day, when i have taken the time to deal with all this, i will experience the joy that comes in the morning.

If i work together with the Lord and allow Him to tell me what time it is and how i can live my life according to His will and plan for my life – then i will be able to feel safe, no matter what is going on in my life.

i’m not there yet. i stumble, i fall. You know, i’m only human.

But i am willing to try and listen to the Lord and to accept His guidance when He tells me it is time to keep silent, to laugh, to search, to embrace, … But also when He is asking me to speak up, to mourn, to weep and to give things up as lost.

i won’t say it’s easy.

But if it’s according to His plan, i’ll trust Him to make it worthwhile.

And i find comfort knowing that the Lord, Who is in me,

is greater than the one who is in the world!!! (1 John 4:4)