Today my
Bible fell on the ground. And i was like beating myself up over it. Just a bit,
but still. i hate it when my Bible falls and there’s some more creases showing
for it. Yet, when i picked it up, there were all these little notes laying on
the floor. While picking them up i was annoyed by my handwriting. i never
really liked my handwriting for no other reason than it never being perfect.
But as i picked them up i started reading some of the words on the notes and
got curious. Some of the notes were prayers i wrote about ten years ago. The
handwriting was childish, but the way i talked to God really got me thinking. i
never ever read about asking the Lord to save me from the bullying, to give me
good grades or to feel safe at home (or anywhere else). Instead i asked Him to
help me through all these things that were part of my every day life. It’s not
that i thought He wasn’t able. And it’s not that i think it is wrong to pray
that way. It just never really crossed my mind. i always prayed for God to help
me press through (and that’s what He did – all those years i was feeling like
giving up for i had no strength left. He proved me He was strong enough for the
both of us). So i prayed for Him to help me through all those storms my early
life had to endure. And He did. In miraculous ways that little girl was
protected to be still here, today.
Not in a
way i asked for, though. i asked Him to make me to be joyful, to be strong, to
be always laughing and smiling so i could show the world His Light and Love.
i asked the
Lord to make me joyful, not happy as in feeling happy-go-lucky, but in a way i
would never ever have to bother someone else with the hurt and emotions i
carried deep inside. God didn’t answer this prayer the way i wanted
Him to. And therefore for years i
felt like i was doing something wrong.
Now, today,
i felt like maybe the Lord didn’t want me to be joyful (not just yet anyway).
Maybe i was not meant to be that kinda Christian, always smiling, laughing. Even though i
wanted to. Even though i admire those Christians. Especially when their inner
world is as happy as their shining eyes tell me.
Maybe my
depression isn’t me doing something wrong (no matter how many people tell me
and how i believed it to be something i was guilty of). Maybe my depression
wasn’t me doing something wrong, but rather the Lord making way to spread His
Light in the darkest of places in life. For Him shining His Light even in the
midst of the pit of depression & heartache i have been living in all these
years, would turn out to be the way of Him reaching out to others going through
life. Each in their own forest of darkness and hopelessness.
Maybe my
pit of depression isn’t an isolated pit after all. Maybe it’s more of a part in
the dark woods of life where i am to meet other people.
i want to
give my darkness to the Lord. For Him to use me as an extension to His amazing
arms, always wide open. Ready to love the unlovable. To give away His grace
freely, with no strings attached, but freedom everywhere around.
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