The Heart of Psalm 139

There always was something about Psalm 139 that made me think twice when i was to read it. i think it is a wonderful Psalm, don’t get me wrong. And the fact that i struggle with body image and self-worth should not be a reason to be selective in my study of the Truth – God’s Word.

Yet there was something about the way people quoted Psalm 139 that did not change my distorted self-image, but distorted the way i looked at this particular Scripture.

Like Psalm 139 was a way of telling me how wrong i was for having an eating disorder and struggle with my self-worth. It already was difficult for me not to feel guilty or ashamed about my struggles. With people (yes, Christians too) rejecting me for it – that hurt.

And so Psalm 139 always felt like condemnation. Not from God, but condemnation from people can make you doubt and feel condemned nonetheless.

But God knew. The Lord knew it’s not always that axiomatic to be content with yourself. People get hurt. Deeply. Life here on earth is broken. “That’s life”. And its brokenness is visible in relationships. Relationships with people, with God, and also the relationship with ourselves.

Even though i always felt restless when reading Psalm 139, the Lord used this Psalm to show me it really is true what verse 23 says: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. The Lord does search me and know me. And verse 6: Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

The Lord knows how we need Him to show us who we are and to understand the way He looks at us. He thinks we are beautiful. We are fearfully and wonderfully made (verse 14). And that’s not just a nice story, a positive thought. It is true. Even when we cannot grasp this, even when there’s so much we wrestle with in life – He thinks we are perfect, for we are made perfect in Him.

To me one of the events that showed me how much He loves me and knows e-ver-y-thing about me, is the day i read Psalm 139 and discovered some verses i never really heard before. They are hidden in the heart of the Psalm:

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You. (Psalm 139:11-12).

He helped me see that He really knows what is going on in my life. Those verses were the bridge i needed to be amazed by the richness of His understanding, the way it is written in Psalm 139.

For personally, i have been there. Asking the Lord to just let me disappear in the darkness that surrounds me. And i have been scared that eventually my darkness would dim His Light.

Psalm 139 proved to me that it is true. The Lord knows what is going on. He knows the questions, the doubts, the fears and struggles that surround me everyday. And He chose to let me know He understands. He chose to use these verses in a Psalm that has been used to diminish my struggles.

And i pray that you will live to experience His understanding of who you are and what is going on in your life. For He does not diminish your struggles!!!

He loves you.

Where people may get scared of whatever is hurting you,

He won’t ever be deterred. For He knew from the beginning what your life story would be

For it is written in verse 16: Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book  before one of them came to be.