Scars

* Possible trigger warning *

Please only continue to read if you find yourself in an emotionally healthy state. i don’t want to trigger or hurt anyone by all means.

Scars, we all have them. Emotional wounds. A hurt hidden deep inside, secretive even? Or maybe a wound more on the surface, you’ve had hours and hours of talking about it in therapy/counseling. Some of us have physical scars as well. Maybe you got burned sometime, or tripped over and it left a mark. Maybe you were ill and had to have surgery. Although it was meant to help you heal, it also left a scar, a reminder of what you’ve been through in order to receive healing.

i guess we all have scars, yet still it remains a topic often swept under a rug. People are uncomfortable to speak up about their own scars and reluctant to ask about other people’s scars. Scars are gossiped about, made fun of, or a reason to keep your distance. They are often hidden, and for a reason.

Still, i want to speak up. Without showing my scars right now i want to speak up about the reason behind them. i have scars. Lots of them. And i too am cautious about them and try to hide them as best i can. Yet at the same time i find myself questioning what message i’m sending into this world by hiding them and not showing the truth about my scars. To be honest i wish there was a way to only make them visible for people above a certain age and in a certain head space. i don’t want kids to understand the reason behind my scars and i don’t want other people struggling the way i did that caused those scars, to feel like physical pain would be the answer to their inner turmoil and pain.

So yeah, here’s a bit of the background of my scars. Maybe this is just a way of preparing the world for the scars that i carry, for when the time comes i’m ready to not cover them up anymore. i don’t know. But i do hope this is me raising awareness about the reality of scars and that it isn’t something we should judge about. We can’t judge a book by its cover. So why should we judge people by their looks and their marks? It is okay not to understand. Yet it is not okay to assume.

i have different scars. Emotional wounds, that may or may not have healed yet. i have physical scars from little accidents i had growing up. And i also have some scars from self-harm. This means that i caused myself to hurt physically in a way that was damaging to my body. Some of those wounds did heal almost fully. Some of them did leave an ugly mark. Now do i hear a lot of different assumptions about why people would hurt themselves. And to be honest there may be loads of different reasons and i may not even know all of the possible reasons to want to hurt yourself.

However keep in mind that this is my story and that if you come across someone who has some scars, even scars from self-injury, it could be because of a whole different reason.

So here goes my story… (i’m a bit nervous, i must say).

i guess that maybe the most important reason for me was that i was hurting so deeply inside, that i needed something visible to understand what was going on emotionally. i was having so many emotional wounds that i had no solution to. No way of knowing how they would ever heal. So i turned to self-harm as a way of taking control. With self-harm i could see the hurt, feel the hurt, and most importantly understand why i was hurting. And i also could follow the process of healing. i could take care of the wounds, and see how they were improving.

Also me hurting myself would help me silence the emotional pain for a while. The sharper the pain, the softer and smaller my inner distress would seem. Yes, i know it was still the same, but i was distracted for awhile.

i guess maybe it is kinda the same way as heaving surgery. When someone is ill there sometimes is surgery needed to help that person heal. Surgery is a good thing, it is supposed to help the patient, to resolve a problem. Yet there also may be an ugly scar remaining because of that surgery.

When i was hurting so badly inside, i needed some sort of emotional surgery as well. Therapy is supposed to do that and i have been having treatment for years. Yet it takes time. And maybe sometimes i got impatient, or literally did not have that time to be able to deal with the emotional wounds that were surfacing. And so i did what i think sometimes has been life-saving, i tried to do the “surgery” myself. By self-harming i tried to find a way to deal with the things that were going on.

i may not have been the best surgeon in the world. i may have done more (physical) damage than i did good, but it was something i needed at the time in order to get through the day.

Am i proud of what i have done? No (if i would be, i would not be so reluctant to write this and would not go into a lot of trouble to cover up my scars. Yes, it is trouble when it is 30°Celcius and you are still wearing long sleeves and jeans). Am i ashamed? Yes, a bit. i know deep down in my core that i did not have a choice back then. At the time there was no other way to deal with the hurt and pain. And i know there may come a moment where i would not know another way than to hurt myself again. i am 100% sure that self-harm is part of the reason that i’m still here. If i would have known a better way to cope, i would have definitely made that choice. But i did not, and now it’s up to me to deal with the consequences. The scars are real. They are not something i can deny. Just as i can not deny the emotional wounds any longer. But i hope there comes a time when i will be able to see how both my physical and emotional scars found healing. And that i can turn this mess into a message of hope and love and freedom in Jesus. i still have a long way to go, but maybe i will get there. One step at a time. One healed scar at a time. One breath at a time.

 Thank you for reading this.

i am sorry if i shocked you with my honesty.

i am sorry if i did mistakenly forget a very important detail of my story.

And i am sorry if you have to deal with physical and emotional scars yourself and don’t see the end of the tunnel, just yet.

Please keep holding on. Please know that ultimately self-harm is not an answer. Please keep reaching out for help and please know that i want to be here for you.

For when you can use some encouraging songs on this topic…

i love the following songs:

What scars are for – Mandisa

Scars – Jonny Diaz

Skin – Sixx A.M.

Dear Bully

Dear bully,

As i’m sitting here i find it hard to write this down. However, i feel like it’s what i need right now. And i hope that it will be a refreshing thing to do, but it is hard. Even the salutation is hard to write down. First of all, it’s weird to write “dear” before “bully”. A bully isn’t dear, is (s)he? But most importantly, i don’t really thought about you as being a bully. Even though there’s enough evidence to call you so, it still doesn’t feel right. i’ve always thought about you as my friend and i still tend to do so.

i am writing this letter to you, never intending to send it anyway. So what purpose does it serve? i guess i need a new perspective, i need to step out of my comfort zone and write things down. i want a chance to tell you my side of things, even though you may never really read this. 

If you would, i’d want you to know…

Dear bully, i don’t understand.

i don’t understand why you were always picking on me. i am glad you did, because i would find it even more difficult to watch you pick on someone else. But it hurt.

Dear bully, i want you to know that it hurt.

It hurt when you were calling me names. Even though it may seem innocent to you. To me those were not jokes. Once, or twice, it may have been funny to be called “Ten” or “foreigner” but after a while this just got boring and made me feel like an outsider.

It hurt when you called me names i don’t wish to repeat.

It hurt when you made fun of my grades, or my clothes, or my voice or my facial expression.

It hurt when one day you’d want to play with me, have fun with me, and the next day you’d gossip behind my back. Literally. It hurt to be able to hear all those things you told about me. It hurt to want to be able to join. For it wouldn’t hurt as much to talk bad about myself with you, as it was to hear you talk about me.

It hurt when you decided it was fun to literally step onto my toes, not once or twice but with a whole group of girls, on and off. Was it fun to watch me standing there, frozen? Did you know i was not walking away because it would only hurt even more if you’d be running after me?

Did you know the whole reason why i was standing there, was because i did not want to be standing in someone’s way? Did you know i still have moments where i watch myself standing there at the side of the playground being walked over? Literally and figuratively. i hear you laughing and mocking me around. And i’m not able to move. By then i knew there was no escape. There was no point in trying. You’d come and find me. i just tried to ignore the hurt and waited till lunch break was over and i’d be able to focus on my schoolwork again.

It hurt when you only wanted to be friends with me when you were in a fight with one of your other friends. It hurts to realize now, years later, that you only needed me to vent, to not feel alone and to be able to gossip about the other person. The minute you two were besties again there was no place for me on this planet. It hurts that i never really set any boundaries. i just let you treat me like dirt and went along with you playing me. It hurts that up to the present day i still feel like i am the one to blame.

It hurt to watch you write another letter filled with name-calling and other abusive language. It hurt to know that i would have to read those letters or you would read them aloud yourself. 

It hurt to be pushed in corners. Physically and mentally.

It hurt to be skipped when you were treating others your candy. But years later i’d thank you for that. Because i believed you have been saving me from gaining a pound, which made my eating disorder real happy.

It hurt to loose one of my best friends because you were denigrating me and in the end she thought she would have more fun with you all. It hurt even more to hear that one day she got dumped by you, too. It hurt. It really hurt. Because that was the moment i realized it was not me, but you. i realized that if you bullied my great, fun, amazing, talented, creative, loving & caring friend, you really did not need any reason at all to bully someone like me. i realized that even if i had been perfect, you’d still have picked on me.

Dear bully.

Now i wonder. Why?

Why did you hate me so much?

Why did you play me, used me, as if i was nothing more than a toy?

Why?

Have you ever, for just one second, questioned yourself? Asked yourself why you had to pick on others, on me, to feel better about yourself?

i hope you did. i hope you did ask those questions. And i hope the answers helped you to quit bullying others. i really do hope so.

i still see you as my friend. i was not afraid to lose you. i was not afraid to be left alone. i was perfectly capable of facing the world by myself. Yet i looked to you and saw a friend. And i still do. i don’t know why. i just see all those good qualities you carry within and i sometimes still long to be right beside you, helping you show your true colors to the world.

Dear bully, you were a bully. Yet there’s so much more to you than that.

And i hope you know that, too.

Here’s some lyrics i want to say to you if i had the chance to tell you something:

i was once a star, shining bright. You pulled me out of the sky, stole all my light, Why? Why?
i was once a boat, sailing off to sea. You dragged me back to the shore, changing my course, Why? Why me? Why you gotta’ pick on me?

And i don’t know where i’m going. But when i get there i can say that i have been the kindest me, that i can be. Can you say the same?

(Olivia Millerschin – i Can Say)

Are you cheated? Are you hurting now? How i wish that i could tell where your heart's at.

Can you see mine has found home?

This is what i want to say to you if i had one chance to speak to your heart:
You are loved more than you could ever know

This is what i want to say to you if i had one chance to tell you something:
You are loved more than you can imagine, imagine

Not sure if i've, made it clear enough it's not my love i sing about
Everybody asks, is God good? i believe He is, in fact, i know He is

(Rebecca St. James – You Are Loved)

For yes, dear bully. Even though your behavior was not very likable and it was real damaging to me, you still have to know that God loves the you He created you to be!

Who To Be?

Last week my psychiatrist asked me a question that got me thinking. Well, i’m already thinking 24/7 (my mind never is at rest, even when i sleep) but she sent my thoughts in a new direction. Well, not new new. Just, well uhm new. i had not thought about these questions in quite a while. So yeah, new. :)

What was her question, you might want to know? Well, it was about what famous people i find inspiring. Famous people i would want to be like. People that i looked up to for inspiration.

So yeah, this question got me thinking. And so i went searching for answers. First in my mind. But i could not find the answer there. The only answer i could come up with was that i would not want to be like someone else, simply because i don’t really want to be anyone. i just don’t want to be.

But well, i was certain my psychiatrist would not be satisfied with this answer. So i went online. What are some famous persons people look up to for inspiration? Musicians, actors, politicians, … i thought about some movie stars i looked up to when i was younger. i loved the movies of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (still love them :p) but i never thought i wanted to be like Mary-Kate or Ashley. i always looked at their characters and wanted to be like one of them. But mostly, i looked up to them because they were always together, never alone, … i longed to have a twin :) So no, even Mary-Kate and Ashley, with all i like about them, were not able to help me find answers to this question i kept pondering about. Although i enjoyed reminiscing the sweet moments of spending hours and hours of watching their movies, and rehearsing the movie lines… answers i did not find.

But who would give me some answers? Who would give me a clue about what i would want to be like? Who would tell me what kind of traits i’d like to have and portray?

After searching for a while and enjoying some fun online personality tests i found my answer. Mother Teresa. i think i would want to be (more) like her. Don’t mistake that for wanting to be her. But yeah, Mother Teresa inspires me. Her caring, empathetic, compassionate way of being there for others, especially those who were not able to give something in return… Yes, it touches me to think about it. And i would love to be more like her. To put others first, to help others in need.

i also read about her suffering from depressing thoughts for a really long time (i’m talking about 50 years or so) and even in the midst of her darkness, she kept going on. Being there for others. Offering smiles and lending hands, even when she must have felt really empty and exhausted on the inside of her. i long to be like that as well. To be there for others no matter how i am trapped in the dark, to still be a light to others.

And so i went back to my psychiatrist. Told her about my answer. We spoke about mother Teresa and her traits. my psychiatrist asked me a question that stayed with me. She asked how i thought mother Teresa would be able to handle all the publicity and stress of her work. She talked about how mother Teresa had a very caring, compassionate way around her, but also had a very strong character. She was a strong person. She stood for what she believed in, even though it must have been difficult at times to follow through with her hopes and dreams. Even though she had to face up to critics.

Now the question was, what do i think of being strong?

i long to be caring, compassionate and empathetic. But do i want to be strong? Do i want to have a strong personality? Do i want to take a risk and stand out in the crowd?

Do i have the courage to stand up for what i believe in?

And the big question? Who am i? Who do i want to be?

i’m not sure yet.

i’m still searching for some answers here :)

 

But i do think it is interesting. Being compassionate and caring sometimes is mistaken for being weak. When really, when you think about it, most of the time it’s really strong to stand up and show compassion, be caring, help another person in need.

It may not be the reason why but it certainly is something that often times comes along when you want to do something nice for another person. When you want to be there for someone. You simply can not help someone without getting noticed.

Oops… that was exactly what i was hoping to find as an answer. A way to be invisible, yet caring and compassionate.

Being compassionate and caring takes courage.

And courage takes strength.

Do i want to be a strong person, lending other people a hand?

Do you want to be a strong person, lending someone a hand?

This world needs compassionate people.

Now more than ever it seems.

Are you ready to be strong and courageous?

Are you ready to stand up for what you believe in?

i still don’t want to be seen, or heard, but i do want to love people, to help people, to encourage people, … Maybe i can find some courage to do so. To endure being seen and heard. Maybe i can take a stand against injustice. And fight for what i believe in.

That’ll be the next pondering question.

What do i believe in?

What is close to my heart?

What makes my heart sing?

*to be continued?*

To have an eating disorder

i have an eating disorder. i have had one since this nightmare started more than 8 years ago. In those 8 years there were times when you could tell by the way i looked. And there were times when you couldn’t. There were times when you would not see me eat, anything. And there were times i would go through a lot of pain and suffering to be able to eat in public.

i have an eating disorder and i feel like i need to talk about what it is like (and isn’t like) for me to have an eating disorder. There is so much nonsense this world (even professionals!!!) believes to be true about eating disorders.. And i feel like i almost always need to defend the realness of my disorder. As if i am on trial and need to justify why i don’t look or act the way people with eating disorders are “supposed to”. So here it goes:

i have an eating disorder.

No, that doesn’t mean i’m skinny. i try real hard not to go down the path of losing weight again, because i know that it won’t really get me anywhere (other than hospitals, dieticians, mental institutions) and most importantly, it won’t really help the people around me. i’m scared of inspiring people to diet and lose weight and so i am forcing myself to do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy weight. (But that doesn’t mean my body is healthy)

i have an eating disorder.

No, it does not mean i don’t like fat people or think they can’t be beautiful. To be honest, i admire people who may have a bigger size and seem to be comfortable in their own skin. i long to be like them.

i have an eating disorder.

No, it does not mean i want to look like a supermodel. It does mean i want to be as little as possible, because i am scared to take up too much space and stand in someone’s way.

i have an eating disorder.

No, it does not mean i don’t like food. It does mean that i feel like i’m undeserving of food.  i feel like i am not allowed to eat.

i have an eating disorder.

No, it does not mean i won’t eat a proper meal. However, my perception about what is normal is warped. It takes a huge amount of energy (and convincing of people around me) each day to neglect my thoughts and do the right thing (eat), even though my mind is telling me not to.

i have an eating disorder.

No, this does not mean i will be standing in front of the mirror all day, every day, to make sure every inch of me is perfect. i’d rather avoid mirrors, for they only encourage my disgust of myself. Instead of looking in mirrors all the time, i have an obsession with the scale and tend to weigh myself as often as i can, multiple times a day.

i have an eating disorder.

No this does not mean i’ll be working-out all day. To be honest, i already harmed my body too much and even though my mind is telling me to never ever sit still and relax, i can’t afford to listen, my body isn’t capable anymore. i feel like a failure because i can not really work-out, but i know i have to limit my exercise in order to stay as fit and healthy as possible.

i have an eating disorder.

Just like a lot of other people suffering from an eating disorder, you most likely won’t be able to tell from the way i look, or the way i act. However, you would be able to tell if you’d spend a split second inside my mind. For it is my thoughts that make me ill. It’s my thoughts that have an impact on my everyday life and it’s them that dictate my health, no matter what i weigh, eat or look like. i’m suffering from my eating disorder because my mind is constantly telling me i’m not good enough, not worthy of food, weighing too much, taking too much space, …

my eating disorder may be invisible to you (i hope so, as i try my best to minimize it’s impact on other people) but it is very real and damaging to me.

A quote that fits perfectly: "Sometimes it’s not about what i’m eating. Sometimes i just won’t act upon the words that are swimming around in my head. Maybe i look fine today, i will eat every meal and nobody will notice. That doesn’t mean it’s gone. That doesn’t mean i’m fine."

Yes, my eating disorder is most likely invisible to you. Unless maybe you forgot to tell me that you can see my thoughts. ;-) For that’s where the biggest part of the disease takes place.

No matter how difficult, no matter the struggle, no matter the hurt… Please always try and remember this

Stay strong for you are loved!

It's all about LOVE

God is love. That is something that i have been taught in church. It is true. The Word itself says “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” (1 John 4:16).

i believe in the Word of God and therefore i believe in this Scripture also. And sometimes i may see a glimpse of what it means. But at the moment, i feel like the Lord is telling me i do not have a clue about the meaning of love. In 1 John 4:18 the Word says that “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” i have a huge problem with anxiety. Have been living in anxiety all my life, and lately it seems like my anxiety has outdone itself. It runs deep into my soul and it’s crippling me emotionally and physically. So when the Lord told me i need to have a better understanding of love, His love, it did make sense. i have been hurt a lot in the past and it isn’t till recently that i was able to open up about those past hurts. Yeah sometimes i was able to speak up about a couple of things, but i never really dared to look at my life line and see all the hurtful events for what they truly were. Painful. Damaging. Frightening. Unsteady. Those hurtful, damaging events taught me that love was not real. That at the very least it was not real for me. So yeah, when the Lord started pointing out His love for me, i was hesitatingly and wary. God loving me, it was too good to be true. And even though He taught me that His love for me was not dependent on my believe in the possibility of Him loving me… i learned to believe He loved me, but had no clue what it really meant to be loved by my Heavenly Father. Somewhere deep down i remained scared that His love would run out, if only… i would do this or make that mistake or … (maybe you can relate and fill in something for yourself).  And to be honest those thoughts still cross my mind, a lot. So yeah, fear and anxiety is still around, even though i believe in the Heavenly Father who is the Maker of Heaven and Earth and chose to make me and love me as His child.

i am in need of change. i am desperately in need of getting a better understanding of God’s love for me. But yeah, .. where to start?

i started with prayer and asking people to pray with me. And then i dove into the Word. Looking up Scriptures about love. And as i was reading those Scriptures, i thought i could do with making a list of all the things i learned about love. i love to share a little of this list with you. Maybe it encourages someone, maybe it is a conversation starter (i know i’d like to know about your insights about God’s love), … i don’t know what it could be good for, but i like to share it with you.

The very first Scripture i found on my journey was 1 Corinthians 13… The LOVE chapter in God’s Word. This Scripture taught me:

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love does not envy

Love does not boast

Love is not proud

Love does not dishonor others

Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily angered

Love keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil

Love rejoices with the truth

Love always protects

Love always trusts

Love always hopes

Love always perseveres

Love never fails

And Colossians 3:14 speaks of the love that binds all (all virtues, but also all people) together in perfect unity.

And 1 Corinthians 16:14 speaks of the importance of doing all things in love. i find comfort in knowing that God does all things in love. In perfect love. We humans may make a lot of mistakes, we mess up like all the time… But God never falls short. He is love and therefore is able to do all things in perfect love and He is willing to help us do the same. Because when we love one another, it is our Heavenly Father Who is glorified.

What are your favorite Scriptures on love?

i would love to hear about them.

i’d like to close up this blog post with my wish that we all would get a better understanding of God’s love for us, and the people around us. For it is because of His love that we are free. As John 3:16 says: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” i know love may seem like an utopia. Like something that is based upon a myth, made of pixie dust. i know a lot of us are hurt in many ways and therefore have a blurred vision on love. i know i do. But i hope that you won’t let that blurred vision of love, keep you from experiencing the amazing, perfect love God has for you. You are LOVED. Even when you don’t know what it means, just yet..

Song: Don't Be So Hard On Yourself

As the title of this song is the same as my blog's i thought i would share this beautiful song with you. Hope you enjoy it!!! :-)

Don't be so hard on yourself, no
Learn to forgive, learn to let go
Everyone trips, everyone falls
So don't be so hard on yourself, no
'Cause i'm just tired of marching on my own
Kind of frail, i feel it in my bones
Won't let my heart, my heart turn into stone
So don't be so hard on yourself, no

 “Don’t be so hard on yourself” by Jess Glynne

God-confidence

Confidence.. to be honest, i’m not so fond of that word.

People have always been telling me i should get more self-confidence and even in treatment it was one of the main goals they wanted me to reach. Yes. They wanted me to get more confident. But i, myself, not so much.

There’s a lot of reasons why i don’t think i should get more self-confidence. i feel like for me it is not acceptable to be more confident. i am not allowed. (emphasis with exclamation marks... i would not dare to ever think that way about any other person on this planet, in this universe or even in a possible alternate universe!!!) There’s a lot of memories that support my thoughts and feelings about this topic. But i don’t want to go that pathway today.

i'd like to talk about a different kind of confidence. God-confidence.

Today as i was reading in my devotional book, i was asked to finish this sentence:

i have God-confidence today, because …

At first i was like.. uhm yeah. Were to start? Confidence is the kind of word that i’d rather not ever use. i would not even start to dream about being more confident. So why would i have God-confidence? i was not allowed, was i?

But the thing is.. God-confidence is not about me. It is about God. About Him alone.

And so i began to finish the sentence.

It amazed me when i started to truly think about Him and why He is worthy of me putting my trust in Him. Being confident in Him.

Here are some lines of what i wrote:

i have God-confidence today because God is the maker of Heaven and Earth. Because He knows about every little thing that is going on in this world, and every tiny detail that is going in my life today.

He is not “on the outside looking in”.

He knows exactly what is happening in my life right now – the obvious and the hidden away, unknown parts of my life.

God is no outsider. God has more insight into my thoughts, feelings, actions, being, more knowledge of this world,  than i do myself.

Therefore i can be confident in Him. Put my trust in Him.

And know that He cares about this world & me.

Know that He cares for this world & me.

                           

i can have God-confidence today because this world & i are safely wrapped up in the safety and comfort of His presence.

What about you?

How would you finish this sentence:

i can have God-confidence today, because …

i Heart Love Songs

Yes. i just wanted to put this out there.

i heart Love Songs. i LOVE Love Songs. But not because i’m madly in love with a significant other.

No. i am a very happy single. i may not always be happy as Larry, but being single is something i am happy about. So yeah. i have a little bit of a whole load of weirdness (as you most probably would know by now) and i <3 Love Songs. Maybe not all love songs, but there definitely are a couple that i like very much. And i am certainly not intimidated by them. They make me think about Someone very special in my life. my Heavenly Father.

Some love songs amaze me because they remind me of His awesome love and amazing grace for people like you and me.

Lately i have been listening to a song i listened to a lot, when i was in my teens. And it amazed me how happy this song makes me feel. i have been losing sleep about altering the lyrics a bit (which i tend to do very often – both losing sleep and altering lyrics). Here’s what the song Just a Dream by Jump5 says to me:

When i look in Your eyes, i see a whole different world
Like i've never seen before
And when i hear Your voice it's like a song that i can listen to over again
It's amazing how Your loves amazes me
Every time that i'm near You

'Cause Your Love is real
This is my reality, totally insanity
If i could be in Your world
All i wanna do is be with You, be with You
Your love is real

When i picture the world, it takes me to the Son
i think about the way He smiles
As He looks down at us, all He’s done for us
to change this world we’re living in
It's amazing how Your love amazes me
Every time that I'm near you

'Cause Your Love is real
This is my reality, totally insanity
If i could be in Your world
All i wanna do is be with You, be with You
Your love is real

More than my imagination could ever see
Your love is real
If i could be with You

(..)

Maybe it looks like i’m single and all lonely. But i don’t really feel that way. All it takes for me is to look up to the cross, to look up to Heaven and to remind myself of all the Lord has done for me. All He is still doing for me. His grace is sufficient. And so is His love.

Standing Still

Okay, first things first.. This may not be the uplifting blog post you would want to read. So you are warned. i feel like i should get some things off my chest and i also feel like this should be the place. Because my blog is about things that are going on in my life or that are important to me. And i want it to be about being real, too. So.. here it goes. me being real.

i’m not a big fan of slow motion.

i’m not a big fan of standing still.

i’ve always been more like the run-a-marathon kinda girl.

i like speed. i like action.

i like to keep on going.

No. i said i was going to be real.

i NEED to keep on going.

i NEED speed.

i NEED action.

i need anything to keep me from standing still.

Standing still means thinking. Overthinking. Overthinking about overthinking..

It means thoughts, feelings and emotions. It means memories.

It means memories that i thought were locked up safely, somewhere at the back of my mind. Buried in a deep, dark pit. Too dark to be able to recognize the individual memories, the flashes, the sounds..

But i have been standing still for awhile now.

Being sick does that to me. Makes me stand still.

Not being able to do all the things i used to do to keep myself occupied.. it drives me crazy.

After my concussion i have been standing still and i’m tired of standing still.

i’m tired of the headaches.

i’m tired of the exhaustion.

i’m tired of the uncertainty.

i’m tired of the not being able to do what i need to do.

i’m tired of the not being able to do what i should do for my internship.

i’m tired of feeling like a big failure who is doing nothing except for doing nothing. Resting. Standing (laying) still.

And the biggest one of all:

i’m tired of telling people that i’m still not feeling too well. i’m tired of smiling and saying that everything will be all right, that it all just takes a little more time than initially expected.

my mind is running ahead of my body.

But there’s nothing i can do to get better, than to rest up, even when my headaches are keeping me awake. And to do as little as i can and try to be happy with that.

i am blessed.

i may not be running but there is some slow progress.

Maybe i have been spending too much time focusing on the “slow” part, when i could also be looking at the “progress” part.

There is progress.

i do get to go to my internship now for a couple of hours a week. And i do get to see the smiles of the kids at work. i do get to write post cards and mail them to people i know could use something to brighten up there day a bit. i do get to color, read a little, listen some music or watch some TV. i do get to sit up a couple of hours a day instead of laying in my bed all day.

And last but not least: i do get to read my Bible and experience God’s love in the numerous little gifts of mercy He shows me everyday.

Maybe my headache is knocking on my door:

“Hi girl, there is some headline news – you are making progress. You just don’t know it yet”

i can’t wait till the day my head will be quiet and there’ll be room for all my normal activities again.

But for now i have to be grateful for all the little things and accept that me standing still means dealing with thoughts, feelings, emotions and memories that i usually try to keep locked up, buried away under a huge amount of Staying Occupied :)

 

Rejoice in the Lord and Be Glad

One of my precious friends overseas sent me a Christmas Card with those words of Psalm 32:11.

It got me thinking. No matter what day it is, whether it is Christmas or New Year’s Eve or just any ordinary day, the Lord wants us to rejoice. Rejoice in what? In Him. And why? Because verse one of Psalm 32 says Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.

This year’s Christmas is a different one for me.

i don’t have any plans yet (and yeah, i know it technically is already Christmas Eve here in the Netherlands). i’m not spending the 2,5 days with my family. Because i can’t. It puts too much pressure on me, and i’m still not completely recovered from my concussion, so yeah. Resting is my no.1 priority lately. And Christmas is not an exception.

Even my sweet guinea pig (Smarty) is not with me this year. She is with my parents because i’m still not feeling well enough to take care of her 24/7.

Am i sad because this years Christmas may be a kinda lonely one?

No. i’m not sad for me really.

It makes me think though. About all the homeless people i’ve seen the last year and i’m wondering what their Christmas will be like. i’m thinking about all the kids of broken homes. Will they be spending their Christmas with their mom or with their dad? i’m thinking about all the people in war zones (and there are many war zones these days). i’m thinking of the hungry and the poor. i’m thinking of the people in hospital, or the ones in a mental institution. What will their Christmas be like? Will they be able to rejoice, and be glad?

To rejoice is hard for me, too. But i want to do my best to rejoice in the Lord this day and all the days to come. For i believe His coming to this earth, His birth, His dying at the cross… Those are the things that really matter and really give me something: Hope.

So, i probably will be alone tonight. Maybe go to church if my headaches allow me ;)

But i will unwrap the gift my dear friend Beth sent me. And i will think about the gift my Lord and Savior gave me over 2000 years back.

Merry Christmas, my friends.

May you Rejoice in the Lord and be glad.
Whether you are with the ones you love,

or whether you are spending Christmas alone.

Remember you are always with your little group:

Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

And the Lord says, that’s enough to rejoice in!