Since i’ve been struggling with depression ever since i can remember (i
guess it started around age 4 or 5) i’ve always believed that i was a negative
person. That i’d defeat depression if only i’d become more positive.
It’s kinda funny (and frustrating) to think that i believe this
misconception (and a couple others) when it comes to me dealing with my mental
health problems, when i would not even think about believing this about someone
else who’s struggling.
i know that being depressed does not mean that someone’s weak or
pessimistic or anything like that.
But for years i’ve believed that this was the case for me.
i always saw myself as a negative person. Someone who would not be
depressed if she would just try harder to think positive. After all, i had
everything going for me to be a happy & healthy person, hadn’t i?
And even after my depression was finally recognized and acknowledged at
age 16 (yeah, it took people that long to figure it out, even though i have
been seen by mental health specialists quite regularly throughout my
childhood), i still did not get the support i desperately needed. Yeah, i got
the meds (which did not do anything good for me) and i got psychotherapy. But
as i was already trapped in feelings of guilt and shame about being too
pessimistic, this did not work either. i have given thinking myself out of this
big black hole with positive thoughts my all. Yet it did not bring the results
my therapists told me it would bring. And therefore my negative thoughts would
only increase every time i noticed the frustration i caused my therapists. i
felt like i failed them and all my loved ones, because i was such a negative
and pessimistic person.
It really took me quite some time now to write and re-write this post. i
don’t want it to be like an angry, or bitter post. i’m not trying to point
fingers or blaming people!!! And i want to apologize in advance for any poor
wording that could hurt someone’s feelings. i want to emphasize: in no way do i think that i know everything.
i am simply writing from my own experiences and what i feel the Lord has been
teaching me lately.
A while ago i found “evidence” that caused this belief – that i was
depressed because i’m a pessimistic person – to be a bit shaken (sometimes
there are ideas you’ve believed to be true for such a long period of time that
it takes a whole lot of time to take them down and replace them with a more
realistic, adequate belief). This “evidence” got me thinking. In this blog post
i’d like to share some of my thoughts with you.
What kind of “evidence” did i find?
Well, i found some of my old diaries. And i was touched by the
positivity that i read in the words, my words. There was almost no day that i
would not conclude my writing with expressing what a good day it had been. No
matter what had happened that day, i would just end with something like
“Nevertheless, i had a nice time today”. And the weird part is, it does not
seem like i was trying hard to convince myself that all the bad things were not
so bad, or that i was trying to overrule my negative emotions. i just seemed to
see the best and when life was difficult, i’d give it the benefit of the doubt.
i really was grateful for every tiny bit of goodness & happiness that i
could find. And i found something to be grateful for (almost) every single day.
Still, i was depressed. i remember the hurt, the loneliness, the shame.
But i rarely mention those emotions in my diary. Yeah sometimes when something
happened that hurt me, i would mention it. But most of the time i’d not even
mention those things at all, or i’d just mention the events without saying how
it made me feel. It’s as if those emotions did not have a place in my thought
life. Unfortunately, they did find their way to control my life. i was
depressed. And though i could come up with all those positive thoughts and
could honestly write down what a great day it had been and how blessed i was –
i’d still feel empty and numb.
The only way for me to keep going was to give life the benefit of the
doubt, to believe in the good of people and to distract myself from the pain.
First by burying myself in my school work and activities. Later on when that
proved to come short, i developed other (harmful) coping mechanisms (eating disorder,
self-harm, etc).
So yeah, i’m getting more and more convinced that if i could have built
a ladder out of this deep & black hole of depression, just by thinking
positive – i would have been enjoying the sunshine and the rain years ago.
But that’s not the way it works, i guess. At least not for me.
And all those times people (friends, acquaintances & therapists) told me to be more positive, to see the bright sight of things and be grateful
for all that i have – i fell deeper into the dark hole (no i don't blame anyone!) For it made me ashamed
of myself, it fueled my already crippling sense of guilt and it made me feel
lonely. For i knew i disappointed people and i failed at getting better. But
i guess it’s about time that i start realizing that i did not fail. This method
failed me. And i’m just now learning that i did not get depressed
because i am a negative person. So becoming a more positive person would most
likely not cure my depression…
What would cure my depression? i have no idea. i’m dying to know
(no pun intended).
Another thing that i’ve been thinking about…
Often times i have the idea that people think you’re doing something
wrong when you are a Christian AND suffer from mental health problems (for a
long period of time). Because Jesus came into the world to set us free and when
you’re struggling with (let’s say) depression you clearly fail to fully
comprehend the Gospel.
But is that the case?
Does living with depression mean that you’re doing something wrong?
Does it mean that you’re failing to understand what it means that Jesus
gave His life for us so that we would be free and could have life & enjoy
it to the full?
Does being depressed mean that you are a negative person? Or that you’re
weak?
i feel like Christians with a depression are pressured to get well and
happy as soon as possible. That (with or without words) people send the message
that God can’t work through you when you are depressed and that you can’t shine
His Light when you are living in the darkness of a depression.
i think this is a really dangerous way of thinking because it adds to
the guilt and shame someone with depression (or any other mental illness) most
likely is already experiencing. And guilt and shame are toxic. They drag people
deeper into a black hole full of loneliness, being misunderstood and further
away from the connection with reality. (That’s why i really felt the need to
share this post, as an attempt to make people aware.)
Would it be a really crazy idea that God allows some of His children to
live in the deep, dark holes of depression (even though it breaks His heart to
see His children hurting & struggling) because that is the only way to
reach other people who are living in that same deep, black hole? To bring the
Light of the Gospel into that dark place?
i believe that sitting right next to someone who is struggling with
depression and understanding what they are going through and sharing the love
of Christ (without or with words) has a bigger impact than yelling some cited Bible Verses from the
edge of the pit.
And so i hope & pray that during my years of depression i have been
able to sit right next to someone and share God’s love with them. i hope that
the times i had to go inpatient, God was able to shine His Light through me. So
that His Light & Love would touch the hearts of other clients and the
staff. It would really give meaning to my hospitalizations.
No i’m not saying that it would make things easier. Living in that hole
of depression is hard. It’s swimming against the current. It’s fighting not to
drown when the waves are crashing. It’s fighting to keep on breathing. It’s
exhausting.
And i am also aware that living with depression isn’t the life God
ultimately has in mind for us. Jesus came to set us free, to give us life and
enjoy it to the full (John 10:10). But i believe God can use our days in
darkness, as well as He can use our days spent in the sunlight.
i have a vision, a hope, a dream. i believe that the church can become
even stronger and shine even brighter if we would stop thinking that people living
with depression can’t shine Jesus’ Light into this world. Let us stand
together. Let us help each other. Let the people who are not struggling with
depression stand together at the edge of the pit and shine God’s Light into the
hole. And let us Christians in the darkness keep on praying and studying the
Word and allow God to change us into the image of His Son Jesus. Let us become
mirrors, so that we can reflect the Light from above and shine it among the
other people sitting in the dark.
Jesus came to set us free.
He gave up His life in the realms of Heaven to touch the lives &
hearts of us sinners.
He was born into poverty and lived with people who were poor.
He sought the ones who were sick or needy.
He loved them and interrupted His activities to be there for people who
needed Him.
Who, then, are we to say that we would not do the same?
No, i’m not saying i’m giving up on fighting my depression. i’m not
giving into it. But i will try and fight the lies that i won’t be able to work
in the kingdom of my Heavenly Father until i’ve climbed out of this hole.
i pray that God will use me where i am. Instead of asking Him to bring me to
the place where i think i’d be a bigger help, i’ll pray for Him to use me as
i am right now and to help me grow into the person He meant for me to become.
i’ll pray for Him to use me where i am right now and to lead me to the place He
intended for me to go.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any thoughts you’d like to
share.
