Rejoice in the Lord and Be Glad

One of my precious friends overseas sent me a Christmas Card with those words of Psalm 32:11.

It got me thinking. No matter what day it is, whether it is Christmas or New Year’s Eve or just any ordinary day, the Lord wants us to rejoice. Rejoice in what? In Him. And why? Because verse one of Psalm 32 says Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.

This year’s Christmas is a different one for me.

i don’t have any plans yet (and yeah, i know it technically is already Christmas Eve here in the Netherlands). i’m not spending the 2,5 days with my family. Because i can’t. It puts too much pressure on me, and i’m still not completely recovered from my concussion, so yeah. Resting is my no.1 priority lately. And Christmas is not an exception.

Even my sweet guinea pig (Smarty) is not with me this year. She is with my parents because i’m still not feeling well enough to take care of her 24/7.

Am i sad because this years Christmas may be a kinda lonely one?

No. i’m not sad for me really.

It makes me think though. About all the homeless people i’ve seen the last year and i’m wondering what their Christmas will be like. i’m thinking about all the kids of broken homes. Will they be spending their Christmas with their mom or with their dad? i’m thinking about all the people in war zones (and there are many war zones these days). i’m thinking of the hungry and the poor. i’m thinking of the people in hospital, or the ones in a mental institution. What will their Christmas be like? Will they be able to rejoice, and be glad?

To rejoice is hard for me, too. But i want to do my best to rejoice in the Lord this day and all the days to come. For i believe His coming to this earth, His birth, His dying at the cross… Those are the things that really matter and really give me something: Hope.

So, i probably will be alone tonight. Maybe go to church if my headaches allow me ;)

But i will unwrap the gift my dear friend Beth sent me. And i will think about the gift my Lord and Savior gave me over 2000 years back.

Merry Christmas, my friends.

May you Rejoice in the Lord and be glad.
Whether you are with the ones you love,

or whether you are spending Christmas alone.

Remember you are always with your little group:

Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

And the Lord says, that’s enough to rejoice in!

Note To my Body

So today when i saw this picture (below) i thought of it being so true when it comes to my relationship with my body. And i thought i could write a note to my body. To see if maybe i could stop the hating a bit and make a start with reacting differently. When i was done writing the letter i thought maybe i could share it on my blog as well. i know a lot of people have a hard time fighting against in stead of with their bodies. So maybe this could be encouraging to you? i hope so.

For you deserve to be able to live, in freedom & peace.

With others, with yourself, and with your body <3

Not-so-dear body,

ever since i can remember i tried to change you. i tried to change my voice. i wanted it to sound soft and sweet in stead of the loud, sharp sound i heard every time i opened my mouth to say something. i tried to change all of you. The moment people recognized it, was when the pounds melted away because my eating disorder shone it’s light on the icy relationship i had with you. But to be honest i tried to change you long before that. i tried to change the way i stood, the way i walked, the way i sat because i thought i was taking too much space. Way too much space. And i still am not over the shallow breathing, for i can not allow myself to take all the air i need. It’s too much. What if someone else needed the oxygen more than i did? What then?

i could write a long list of all the things i don’t like about you, my not-so-dear body. i simply don’t want to. For when i would do that, i think i would only start to hate you more. Fight with you more. Argue with you more.

You know you made it practically impossible for me to live. You failed me. In a lot of ways. Not because you were not perfect. i know, yes i know, that no body is perfect. Just as no-one is perfect. But the way you hurt me.. The way you seem to need no reason to ache or sting. The way you let my joints pop and click (sometimes it sounds just like pop corn). The chronic pain you give me. It is exhausting. The way you took away my strength when i was sick with Lyme disease. The ways you could not help me communicate with people that there was something wrong with me as i was exhausted and sick and in pain all the time. You were failing me, but there were no tests that could explain what was going on. So i had to put it off as me being a drama girl. Which i believed for a long time. A lot of people believed that too.

But i guess i should say sorry to you as well. You may be my not-so-dear body but that does not give me the right to hurt you on purpose. To fight my battles against you in stead of with you.

i see that now. As i’m stuck here with you again. Fighting against the headaches and exhaustion because of the concussion a couple of weeks ago. i start to see things from your perception. You are hurting too. And as hurting people hurt people, a hurting body hurts the person that lives in it as well.

i don’t like that. But it is just the way it is. i realize now the fighting is exhausting.

i don’t know if i can ever stop fighting against you. But i could try. i could try to check in with you sometimes and see if there’s something you want to say to me. Instead of turning on the music a little bit louder every time you are already screaming because of my pounding head. i could try to give and take a little bit more.

You may not have been fair to me. But i take responsibility for not being fair to you.

i am sorry that you are hurting. Okay, mostly for selfish reasons. But i am truly sorry.

If i take better care of you, would you please help me with that? Be open and honest about what you need, in stead of punishing me every time i wasn’t able to look after you properly?

i can not change you, my body. But i can change how i react to you.

i choose to take charge of the rest of my life.

And maybe you can be my ally?

With love?
Your wanna-be ally, Allysson

For All We Need

As i was listening to the Within Temptation Song “All i Need” it struck me how this was something that i’ve seen happening too many times in my life. To me, as well as to other people.

And it struck me how this song describes a couple of things in our society. A couple of things that i think are worth thinking and writing about. Not because i intend to point fingers, at anyone. But because i feel writing gives me the chance to start an honest conversation. With myself, in the first place, and maybe for you and with you too? i hope so.

What is the song “All i Need” about?

Well, as i listen to it, i hear Someone say over and over again that they are stuck. They are in a situation and they need help. They opened up to another person, who seemed to have opened a door and invited the Someone to show a bit more of themselves. But when Someone does just that, opening up a bit and show some of the things that are going on in their lives, the other person seems to be on a crossroad. And the song is about the Someone having to plea for the other person to not reject them, for all (s)he need.

As someone who has been struggling through life, i relate to this song. i relate to the “dying to catch my breath” phrase, as well as the frustration of the “Oh, why don’t i ever learn” question. As well as the “i’ve lost all my trust, though i’ve surely tried to turn it around”..

Do you relate, too? Maybe not in the same way as i do, but in your own situation? Is there something you have tried to change, so badly, and still you seem to get stuck, beating yourself up over it “Oh, why don’t i ever learn?”

As i listened to this song i relate – all my agony fades away (it may not disappear, but it surely fades and takes a seat somewhere in the background :p) when..? When my Heavenly Father, holds me in His embrace. And you know what, sometimes He does that through people. Through a stranger passing by and greeting me, through a surprise in my mailbox, through someone posting a picture or quote on Facebook, through someone reminding me of a great song, through a teaching, through a random smile. Lately i found myself surprised that even in the midst of my depression God still finds ways to let me know i am blessed. i may not always see it or feel it, but He surely reminds me and helps me realize it. Especially in the midst of my darkest days.

Okay, back to the song. There is no One like God for me. He is the One Who can hold me (even at times when i give a struggle and am too restless to embrace His embrace). He holds me and keeps holding me, until i finally am too tired to struggle and allow myself to just be held.

There is no One like God, but as i said, He longs for us people to be there for each other too. He meant for us to be looking after each other. God does not tear me, or anyone else down for all i (we) need. He gave His One and Only Son, His Most Precious Gift, for me - for us, because He is all we need. He is the One Who makes our heart a better place. He gives us something we can believe. He won’t ever tear us down. He opened the door, He IS the Way, the Truth and the Life. And He won’t ever close the door, barricade the way or lie about the truth.

Many times in my life i have been in need for help. And i learned that for us human beings it isn’t easy to help another person. Even professionals have turned me down for something i needed: Help. Being torn down for something i need - it  happened to me, and i’ve seen it happen to my friends and family (with all kinds of questions: from mental health issues to physical conditions, to financial problems or relational difficulties). And when i take a look around in the world today, i see big cries, silent cries, loud screams or people staying in bed all day questioning what for difference it would make to cry out for help. And i realize i am blessed to know that i know that i know that there is a God i can turn to 24/7. Even if it’s the only thing i know – knowing that He loves me is more than enough. But i know that not everyone knows this to be true. And even when you do, it does not mean that the only One you are allowed to ask for help, is the Lord, our God. He actually wants us to fellowship with each other and love one another. And one of the ways He wants us to do that, is to take care of one another.

 To be able to be cared for it’s necessary to make known that there is a need, a need for help.

This is hard. Asking for help isn’t easy, and when you do, it is not promised that you will get any help. Let alone the help you need.

What makes it so difficult for us to get out there and ask for help?

And what makes it so hard to get help? To give help?

i’ve seen that fear plays a big part in all of this.

The fear of bothering someone, the fear of being laughed at, the fear of ... That’s for the asking-for-help-part, but i guess there is loads of fear on the giving-help-part as well.

The fear of not doing enough, the fear of coming short, the fear of being laughed at, the fear of giving someone the wrong impression, …

Sometimes us people back down when we know someone is in need, not because we don’t want to help, but because we realize the real problem, the real issue is so much bigger than us. Which is true. We can’t “fix” someone. But don’t mistake someone’s asking for help for them asking you to “fix” them. Most of the time a kind word, a gentle hug, a caring smile – those simple gestures don’t cost you a thing, but can change a person’s day completely around!

Is there someone you think of when you read the following

part of the song "All i need" by Within Temptation?:

Don't tear me down for all i need
Make my heart a better place

Give me something i can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place

What's it like..?

Since i cannot write a lot right now, i thought i'd post something i wrote a while back.. Uhm.. so i think this is quite a step for me. Well.. here it goes :)

What’s it like to be a person with autism?

i don’t know really.

But i thought, you told me you have autism. Isn’t that true?

Yes, that’s correct. But how would you explain to me what it is like not to have autism?

Isn’t that what you would call “living life”? “Ordinary”?

 

Do you know someone with autism? Or have you seen someone communicate with someone who has autism? Have you seen the question marks in their eyes? Because they don’t understand what the autistic person is seeing, thinking, experiencing. Have you seen the frustration, or heard that little tone in their voice because they don’t understand why the other person is so angry for no reason. Have you heard the stories about all the thoughts and organizing and planning and all the frustration, anxiety and other emotions that come along with communicating with someone who has autism?

And have you seen the love? No-one would be trying so hard, unless they love the other person. Maybe the outcome isn’t always what they hoped for, but they are trying. There are limitations to communication but that doesn’t always mean that there are limitations to the love of the ones involved.

Maybe you know what i'm talking about.

Well perhaps, that’s what it’s like to have autism for me. That’s what it, for me, is like to deal with people who don’t have autism:

i don’t understand what you are seeing, thinking, experiencing. i put enormous amount of thoughts and energy to try and get myself to understand. i see your frustration and don’t understand why because i have tried my best to explain myself and you still seem to not understand. Or i tried my best to understand you and you still tell me i don’t get it. i don’t understand why you get angry, all i know is that look in your eye or that the tone in your voice indicates that there’s something you are angry about. And often times i get the idea that you are angry with me. i am constantly planning, organizing, scheduling ahead. And at the end of the day it gets down to being exhausted, scared that i might have done something wrong, might have upset someone. Or i am sad or angry [at myself] because (i think) i know i have upset someone.

And because i care, because i love the other person, it hurts and upsets and gets me sad or angry or disappointed.

For me, autism gets down to not understand the other person and not being understood yourself.

And giving all you have to try to bridge the troubled waters of the misunderstood & unknown.

Is it difficult for you to know how to communicate with someone who has autism? i bet it is.

Well, it’s difficult for me to communicate with someone who doesn’t have autism (and sometimes with other auties too :p). But well, you can choose whether or not to communicate with me. Even when you are a parent or teacher you still have the choice, whether or not you may feel that way. For me there’s no choice. If i want to communicate (or even if i don’t want to, i still need to in order to function “normal”) i will have to go through all of the above and more. It does not get easier for me. Maybe i will find a way to understand myself better and eventually learn how to team-up with myself. But it will always be exhausting. And hopefully rewarding, too :)

Here's a little cartoon about one of the reasons i hated doing my math homework.. xD In all honesty, doesn't it make more sense to just leave it be and savor the mystery? :)

From One Bleeding Woman To Another

A while back i read and heard the story of the bleeding woman (as found in Mark 5:21-34) a couple of times. i don’t think it was by accident that i came across this Scripture multiple times. i guess there was something i needed to hear in this story :) And indeed, i learned some things reading this Scripture. No, i’m not writing this to imply that i know it all. That i have this Scripture all figured out. i have not. And that’s part of the reason that i waited to write and post this. i wanted to wait a bit and then read Mark 5 again, see if there’s something new that comes up yet again. Let’s see.

First of all, this woman’s been sick for 12 years. People back then did not get as old as they do now. So 12 years of this woman’s life has been a long period of time.

Also, this woman was not just struggling because she was ill. Because of her illness she was perceived as unclean and therefore had to live on the outside of the social circle. She was not allowed to go to church, for she would defile the home of God. There was this whole list of prescriptions she had to live up to, here are a couple prescriptions, as stated in Leviticus 15:19-30:

- “ When a woman has a discharge of blood, and blood flows from her body, the uncleanness of her monthly periods shall last for seven days.”

- “Anyone who touches her will be unclean until evening.”

- “ Any bed she lies on in this state will be unclean; any seat she sits on will be unclean. Anyone who touches her bed must wash his clothing and wash himself and will be unclean until evening. If there is anything on the bed or on the chair on which she sat, anyone who touches it will be unclean until evening.”

- “The children of Israel are to be warned lest they (the bleeding women) defile the tabernacle that is set among them.”

(retrieved from: http://www.womenpriests.org/traditio/unclean.asp)

So people would most likely have left her alone, for they would not want to become unclean themselves. i am sure this woman must have found herself to be very lonely and desperate. And she felt broken. Verse 28 says that she thought by herself if only she would touch but Jesus clothes she would be whole. This indicates that she felt broken in a deep and desperate and lonely way.

 

She had tried everything she could think of. She had spent all that she had but nothing bettered. Yet she did not lay herself down somewhere and refused to get up. No, it was the opposite. Where she encountered Jesus she must have been up and running. Doing the best she could to make her day a good day. Maybe somewhere in her heart she’d have the hope that a day like this would come. A day she would finally be able to enter healing and freedom.

http://www.rageineden.co.uk/html/bleeding_heart_by_zindy.html

When i read this Scripture the first thing that really hit me was how the Dutch New Bible Translation (NBV) spoke about the woman’s condition getting worse because of the treatment of all the physicians she had visited. She first gave all her money to them, only for her illness to get worse. To be honest, i can relate. Physicians, therapists, they are just like ordinary people.. they do make mistakes, or they are limited in their sources to get us better. They fall short, they accidentally and willingly hurt us. And i can only say that i think it is remarkable of this bleeding woman that she reaches out again. Literally. Yet to another man. She may have lost her hope and faith a couple of times, or even more than a couple of times. When the time was there, when Jesus was there, she did not lose hope, she had faith, big enough to move a mountain and she acted upon her faith. Even though she was not allowed to touch anyone. For anyone who touched her would become unclean as well. She knew it had to be different with Jesus. It doesn’t say how she knew. But she knew. Otherwise she most likely would not have taken this gigantic step of faith!

Another thing that spoke to me was the word Daughter: And He said unto her “Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague”. (Mark 5 verse 34, King James Version).

Jesus calls this bleeding woman daughter. This is the one and only time in God’s Word that a woman is being called daughter by Jesus. Where other people would leave this woman alone, saw her as unclean, where she was tired, exhausted, ill, and out of money – Jesus listens to her story and He gives her a name. He gave her an identity. From that moment on she was no longer alone, but she had someone to call family. Someone she knew cared enough for her and about her to call her His daughter. Jesus did not only gave this bleeding woman healing, but He also gave her a place to call home. People to call home.

What does this tell me? That Jesus not only has a say in my circumstances. Yes, He has the power to heal me, He has the power to free me, He has the power to turn things around. But there is more, there is so much more. Jesus also wants to have a say in my (our) identity. He wants to tell me, who i am. He wants to tell you who you are.

In the end our identity in Christ is way more important to Him than whether or not we are healthy, happy, and healed.

Another thing that got me thinking was the resemblance between the story of the bleeding woman and the daughter of Jairus. The daughter of Jairus was 12 years old, and the bleeding woman suffered for 12 years. Both were living on the brink of life and death. And both were granted a new chance to live their life to the fullest. To live and glorify the name of the Lord.

Are you a bleeding woman today?

Have you been bleeding for a long period of time and are you doubting things will ever change?

Maybe you find comfort in this story? i sure do hope and pray so.  

Not long after i read Mark 5, i also read Ezekiel 16 and verse 6 stood out to me. "And when I passed by you and saw you rolling about in your blood, I said to you in your blood, Live! Yes, I said to you still in your natal blood, Live!"

The Lord our God does not want us to be living our life rolling about in our blood. He has something much better and bigger in store for us (Jeremiah 29:11). So allow that to be of encouragement when you are knocked down and feel the weight of the world press down on your shoulders. You are Loved. And the Lord sees you bleeding and rolling in your blood. He sees it all. He knows it all. And He is waiting for you to reach out, just to touch His garment. 

http://hookedonthebook.com/jesus-heals-a-bleeding-woman-all-the-bible-miracles-for-kids/

Bears on the road

In Dutch we have this saying “to see bears on the road” (translated freely from "alleen maar beren op de weg zien") which means something like “to make a mountain out of the mole hill” or “to think only about all the possible negative outcomes.

Last Thursday i walked by a stranger on the street who was not in a good place. i can’t explain why, i mean: so many people are hurting these days and yet i’m not walking up to all of them asking them if they were alright. But last Thursday as i saw this man standing on the roadside, frozen in time and place it seemed, i could not leave him there. It was a dangerous spot with cars passing by. Drivers looked at him confused about his intentions. And i just knew right away this man wasn’t in a good place. For the first 5-10 minutes he didn’t say a word. i know, it would have been oh-so-normal to just walk away and leave him be. i mean it was raining, i just came from my work and was tired. Yet i knew it’d be a mistake to just go home.

To be honest everything in me longed for my hot water bottle and a cup of tea. So please remember that and know that there was nothing good about me, as i stood there alongside this stranger on the roadside. Talking, trying to convince the man to walk to a bench in stead of standing there. i stood there listening to his difficulty breathing. i stood there recognizing his distant look in the eyes, his lack of affect in his mimic.

i’m not gonna write about all we talked about. Well, he talked and i tried to listen as best i could, i prayed silently asking the Lord for wisdom. i knew this situation was beyond my ability to listen, my ability to think of possibilities. i tried to point out some resources this man could reach out to for help and eventually helped him get to the urgent care. He definitely needed medical attention, someone to review his state of mind and someone to take him by the hand as he had to reach out for more long-term help for long-term solutions.

What was intriguing about this man was is ability to joke around even though he was in such a bad place. And when he talked about all those “bears he saw on his path” he told me he had to find a way to colour some pink bears along the other, scary, big ones.

That stuck by me. How could someone hurting so badly joke around. And not just joke around, i guess this is a good visual on how to deal with our fears and problems. If you know me just a bit, you’d probably know that i’m not living on a cloud where it’s all rosy – i too have seen my share of raindrops and thorns. Yet this man encouraged me. By talking about those pink bears on the road ahead. And i thought i’d share. Maybe someone else will find this encouraging, too. If not, well at least i explained my sudden interest for pink bears  xD

Do you see any bears big or small, on the road ahead?

How do you deal with them?

What pink bears can you colour on your road?

i hope and pray through me the Lord showed this man something of His amazing Love. i know this man showed me His Mighty Power!

Surprises

As i walked out the door this morning i walked right into the first light of the morning sun coloring the sky. i was surprised. i expected it to be a bit darker outside and even though the autumn cold is setting in, the colors of this perfectly clear sky would have woken me up perfectly (if it were not that i had been awake for over 3 hours already so the sleepy head in me, already had gone to bed).

This afternoon, a dog owner that i regularly encounter in my neighborhood was in a good mood! His mood is most likely to be way up, or way down. So it’s always a surprise when i pass him by. Today he had this radiant smile on his face and loudly replied with a “you too!” when i wished him a great afternoon. He surprises me with his spirit so full of live. And it warms my heart when i see him take care of his cute little dog.

Surprised again! When my neighbor’s boy ringed my doorbell this afternoon. i knew someone would come pick up a child’s shoe that accidentally landed on my balcony yesterday. i got a little note on my mailbox about it. So i got on my balcony to get the shoe this morning and wrote them a little card to let them know i’d be home for them to pick it up, later this afternoon.

So yeah, this afternoon.. my doorbell rang. And had me soo surprised!

To be honest, i expected a mom to come pick up the shoe. This kid’s nervous rambling explaining what he rang my doorbell for, it was so sweet. Truly. i was amazed that this kid was picking it up himself. (And i’m so curious how his shoe landed on my balcony. i mean.. what kind of game makes you throw out your own shoe out the window? xD But well, it was exactly what i needed today, so yeah, i can only praise the Lord for this lovely situation. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it ;)

As i opened the door for my neighbor's boy, his father stood behind him, just a little further. Supporting him (which i think is amazing of him!) while letting him take responsibility, too. Because of his dad i did not ask about the whole situation, so i can continue to think of all kinds of crazy situation that leaves you throwing out your shoe :p (Anyone have any brilliant ideas?)

The dad was very nice too. Thanking me and all (when really it was no big deal :p). i thanked his son, because i think it is very praise-worthy of him to go pick up his shoe himself. His dad then mentioned that he figured i was a primary school teacher (which is a big compliment to me) probably because i wrote them that card (it was a handcraft/kids-theme card i had still had not found an occasion for until this morning xD) and/or because of my comment to his son, idk.

This son and dad, they made me smile.

For they remind me that there are wonderful people in this world and i wanted to share this surprise with you: Let's celebrate the amazing people living in this chaotic world!

 

http://tv.mycfmhub.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2014/09/i-celebrate-you-week-1.jpg

 

Your Happy is my Happy

So, today i did something quite different. Although i was exhausted when i got home from work (an internship at a primary school, so you know.. kids – they are amazing, fantastic, my sunshine and my nourishing rain, but they can be pretty intense as well hehe), i decided to go for a little walk and enjoy some of the autumn sunshine and breeze at the riverside. Just to listen to some music, take some photos, write a little poetry scrabbles and those kind of things. i also did take some of the post cards i got last Saturday to use for my project (translated it's called: "Hugs in an Envelope" - it's about sending cards to someone -you don't know- but really can use some encouragement). i wanted to write some and randomly leave them somewhere to be found.

As i was walking home, a man passed me by. Not sure how to explain, but there was something about this man that told me he could use a kind word, a positive gesture. So i did what i normally don’t dare to do: i asked him “Sir?” and gave him one of my post cards. He looked at me as if i was an alien (finally someone who understands how alienate i am xD) and i walked on. As i looked back i saw him hurry to open up the envelop and smiled - wishing, praying that it would somehow encourage him a bit.

Occupied by my thoughts on 1001 topics , i did not notice the green traffic light. Well, i was in no hurry so i did not mind. Then i saw the same man come my way. As we both waited for the traffic light to turn to green again, he gave me his fantastic smile and thanked me. “There’s no need to thank me” i said. “Everything i wrote is heartfelt”. And his answer truly amazed me. He said “i know. i can see that”. i still puzzle. How did this man see, know that? i don’t know. i am just really thankful the Lord used me today to bless this man. And to experience how he blessed me.

For you see, this man’s happy, it was my happy.

Someone else’s happy, your happy, is my happy. 

It’s as close as i can get to experience the amazing feeling of happiness.

i forgot to say thank you to this man. i’m sorry that he’ll never know how he just made my day :)

For the Love of Dolphins

Last weekend i had the privilege to meet some of the loveliest animals on the planet.

my friend Tazzie and i went to the dolphinarium and joined a special program to spend some time in the water with the dolphins. This experience was given to me by friends from the church i attend, because they wanted to give me something special to let me know they love me and to help me find the courage and strength to keep on fighting the battle i’ve been fighting for some time now.

To be honest, i was hesitant about accepting this amazing gift. Am i worth something so amazing? i simply don’t get why people would put in so much love and effort to show me they care about me.

But, who can say no to such a special gift? i defied my own thoughts and accepted this gift. Saturday September 19^th was the perfect day for making a huge wish come true!

It took me some time to write about this day. my thoughts and feelings were many, but there were no words to describe the incredible experience i had. Dolphins are amazing and Naomi & Maaike were so cute, and full of love and life – how was i to put that into words?

i desperately wanted to, though, since this was a gift and i wanted to let others share in the amazement of the moment. There’s not really much i can say about it though. The whole experience was amazing, incredible and full of the love and sweetness of the dolphins. For a period of time i was no longer me, but was filled with all the love and cuteness the dolphins radiated.  In the presence of the dolphins there was no room to feel dead inside. There was only their happiness, their ability to love and accept me for who they believed i was. They had a joy over them and they could not keep it to themselves ;-) Their playful way of interacting with me and the other participants of the program - it was entertaining to be part of it!!

Hereby i want to thank the anonymous and known givers of this amazing day!

And thank you Tazzie for enjoying this special day with me. i love how we can make this a shared moment and add this day to our precious moments together <3

Here’s a few pics to enjoy  

FAQs about mental health problems and being a Christian

As a Christian, my struggles with mental health have always been raising some questions. Some were asked. And i really appreciate it when people do that. Ask me questions. i don’t always have an answer, but i do appreciate genuine questions from people. Some of the questions were not put into words, but i have seen them in the way people stared at me, or tried to avoid me. Sometimes there was no room for questions let alone answers. There were times were judgment was omnipresent and to be honest, those times left me struggling with some questions. Not the famous “why me?”. Not the often expected doubts about God. But they left me wondering: What do i do wrong?

As i was listening to the song “A Way To See In The Dark” by Jason Gray, i felt like i had an answer to some of the Frequently Asked (some unspoken) Questions i got because of me being a Christian with mental health problems. And i thought maybe it was time to try put it into words. i still don’t have all the answers, but i can try explain how i feel about it. How i feel the Lord spoke to me and maybe sharing my thoughts will get you thinking too. This blog post (every single one of my blog posts actually) is not about me trying to tell you how it is. It is more of an invite for you to explore your thoughts about this topic.

As a Christian living in the dark woods of mental health problems, i had the privilege to meet all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs and all kinds of backgrounds and all kinds of ways of living. Living here in these dark woods sure isn’t something i would recommend to anyone, but it also proved to be an opportunity to meet people i probably would not have met if i were not to live here, like this. Being a Christian with mental health problems raised questions from Christians and people who do not believe in Christ. Because the nature of the questions were somewhat different i distinguish between those two ‘categories’. It is not because i want to divide people into the category ‘good’ or ‘bad’. i have no intention judging people. Thank God it is His job and not mine, for i would be a terrible judge!

Non-Christians would ask me questions like “How can you believe in a God when there’s so many evil in this world?” or “How can you believe God is LOVE when even Christians like you are struggling big time?” or “i don’t mean to offend you, but i don’t see how being a Christian is making a difference for you. You see, you still are struggling, even though you believe in Him. What kind of God would do that? Allow His children to suffer?”. And so on.

Those questions from non-Christians could be labeled as questions about Who God is and what He is capable of. How far His mighty hands can reach.  

Also Christians have been asking these kind of questions. Often times worded a bit different, but in essence i guess they didn’t differ much. The question “Why does God allow people to suffer?” is a very frequently asked question.

There also were Christians who would not really ask questions about God’s doing, but mostly jumped to the conclusion i was doing something wrong and therefore struggled with those mental health problems. Those people did raise questions about my faith. Was i a good-enough believer? What did i do to make things right? Many of these Christians jumped to their conclusions without really having a conversation with me. It hurt and it sometimes still hurts. As Christians we are only human and we all do have our human weak spots. i don’t think i am angry with the people who asked those kind of questions, most of them remained unspoken. But i do grieve about it, for i think it is a loss to the Christian community when we are judgmental to one another. It burns bridges and weakens our community instead of the church being a safe place where people can be real and honest and genuine. And where God’s Love and Truth dwells in us all.

Those questions also did confuse me. Left me wondering what i was doing wrong. Made me feel like i failed being a Christian. But it also helped me turn to the Lord and ask Him what He thought of all this. Even though these (unspoken) questions made me somewhat isolated from other Christians, i think i can say it brought me closer to the Lord.

Another frequently raised question was why it all had to go on for this long. There were always so many people praying for me and thinking about me. It still overwhelms me all the love and prayers and support people are showing to me. And it hurts me to see peoples faces get confused when they get to know i am still struggling. After all these years of struggling, but more so of praying and believing and hoping and praying some more, i still live in these dark woods of my mental health problems. And it hurts me to see the question marks and the raised - yet often times unspoken –questions “Why don’t my prayers get answered?” or “Haven’t i prayed enough?”..

Listening to this song by Jason Gray there was this one phrase that was like an answer to all these questions (and many more)..

If I am saved, You tell me it will not be by sight

The Lord knew some of us have to live in the darkness for some time. He knew we would not be able to always see Him, experience Him in a way that is visible and comprehensible. And He decided to not let sight be what would bring us to Him.

Yes, here in the dark woods there is lots of darkness, everywhere. Yet the darkness does not determine whether or not i am lavished in love, gifted with grace, showered with mercy and overflowing with hope.

No the darkness does not determine anything.

The darkness i have lived in for many years has not been of any hinder to God. It has not ever served as a mechanism to scare Him away.

For that is the amazing thing about our Heavenly Father.

He does not get surprised and He does not grow weary and He does not get frightened.

He is omniscient. Even before the moment i entered the dark woods He knew exactly how long i’d stay there and how and when i would get out eventually.

With the words of Jason Gray:

Once again a childlike faith is my only way to see in the dark

No, i don’t have all the answers. i have no idea what tomorrow may hold. But i do know Who holds tomorrow. Also when i will spend many more ‘tomorrows’ here in the dark woods i learned to know all too well. He will always know it better than i do and He will be my help, my hope and my vision. He will lead me one step at a time. And i pray that you will find Him to be leading you as well. No matter what comes, He wants to hold you, safely.

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Prayer Requests from a Little Girl

 Today my Bible fell on the ground. And i was like beating myself up over it. Just a bit, but still. i hate it when my Bible falls and there’s some more creases showing for it. Yet, when i picked it up, there were all these little notes laying on the floor. While picking them up i was annoyed by my handwriting. i never really liked my handwriting for no other reason than it never being perfect. But as i picked them up i started reading some of the words on the notes and got curious. Some of the notes were prayers i wrote about ten years ago. The handwriting was childish, but the way i talked to God really got me thinking. i never ever read about asking the Lord to save me from the bullying, to give me good grades or to feel safe at home (or anywhere else). Instead i asked Him to help me through all these things that were part of my every day life. It’s not that i thought He wasn’t able. And it’s not that i think it is wrong to pray that way. It just never really crossed my mind. i always prayed for God to help me press through (and that’s what He did – all those years i was feeling like giving up for i had no strength left. He proved me He was strong enough for the both of us). So i prayed for Him to help me through all those storms my early life had to endure. And He did. In miraculous ways that little girl was protected to be still here, today.

Not in a way i asked for, though. i asked Him to make me to be joyful, to be strong, to be always laughing and smiling so i could show the world His Light and Love.

i asked the Lord to make me joyful, not happy as in feeling happy-go-lucky, but in a way i would never ever have to bother someone else with the hurt and emotions i carried deep inside. God didn’t answer this prayer the way i wanted Him to. And therefore for years i felt like i was doing something wrong.

Now, today, i felt like maybe the Lord didn’t want me to be joyful (not just yet anyway). Maybe i was not meant to be that kinda Christian, always smiling, laughing. Even though i wanted to. Even though i admire those Christians. Especially when their inner world is as happy as their shining eyes tell me.

Maybe my depression isn’t me doing something wrong (no matter how many people tell me and how i believed it to be something i was guilty of). Maybe my depression wasn’t me doing something wrong, but rather the Lord making way to spread His Light in the darkest of places in life. For Him shining His Light even in the midst of the pit of depression & heartache i have been living in all these years, would turn out to be the way of Him reaching out to others going through life. Each in their own forest of darkness and hopelessness.

Maybe my pit of depression isn’t an isolated pit after all. Maybe it’s more of a part in the dark woods of life where i am to meet other people.

i want to give my darkness to the Lord. For Him to use me as an extension to His amazing arms, always wide open. Ready to love the unlovable. To give away His grace freely, with no strings attached, but freedom everywhere around. 

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The Heart of Psalm 139

There always was something about Psalm 139 that made me think twice when i was to read it. i think it is a wonderful Psalm, don’t get me wrong. And the fact that i struggle with body image and self-worth should not be a reason to be selective in my study of the Truth – God’s Word.

Yet there was something about the way people quoted Psalm 139 that did not change my distorted self-image, but distorted the way i looked at this particular Scripture.

Like Psalm 139 was a way of telling me how wrong i was for having an eating disorder and struggle with my self-worth. It already was difficult for me not to feel guilty or ashamed about my struggles. With people (yes, Christians too) rejecting me for it – that hurt.

And so Psalm 139 always felt like condemnation. Not from God, but condemnation from people can make you doubt and feel condemned nonetheless.

But God knew. The Lord knew it’s not always that axiomatic to be content with yourself. People get hurt. Deeply. Life here on earth is broken. “That’s life”. And its brokenness is visible in relationships. Relationships with people, with God, and also the relationship with ourselves.

Even though i always felt restless when reading Psalm 139, the Lord used this Psalm to show me it really is true what verse 23 says: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. The Lord does search me and know me. And verse 6: Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

The Lord knows how we need Him to show us who we are and to understand the way He looks at us. He thinks we are beautiful. We are fearfully and wonderfully made (verse 14). And that’s not just a nice story, a positive thought. It is true. Even when we cannot grasp this, even when there’s so much we wrestle with in life – He thinks we are perfect, for we are made perfect in Him.

To me one of the events that showed me how much He loves me and knows e-ver-y-thing about me, is the day i read Psalm 139 and discovered some verses i never really heard before. They are hidden in the heart of the Psalm:

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You. (Psalm 139:11-12).

He helped me see that He really knows what is going on in my life. Those verses were the bridge i needed to be amazed by the richness of His understanding, the way it is written in Psalm 139.

For personally, i have been there. Asking the Lord to just let me disappear in the darkness that surrounds me. And i have been scared that eventually my darkness would dim His Light.

Psalm 139 proved to me that it is true. The Lord knows what is going on. He knows the questions, the doubts, the fears and struggles that surround me everyday. And He chose to let me know He understands. He chose to use these verses in a Psalm that has been used to diminish my struggles.

And i pray that you will live to experience His understanding of who you are and what is going on in your life. For He does not diminish your struggles!!!

He loves you.

Where people may get scared of whatever is hurting you,

He won’t ever be deterred. For He knew from the beginning what your life story would be

For it is written in verse 16: Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book  before one of them came to be.