Note To my Body

So today when i saw this picture (below) i thought of it being so true when it comes to my relationship with my body. And i thought i could write a note to my body. To see if maybe i could stop the hating a bit and make a start with reacting differently. When i was done writing the letter i thought maybe i could share it on my blog as well. i know a lot of people have a hard time fighting against in stead of with their bodies. So maybe this could be encouraging to you? i hope so.

For you deserve to be able to live, in freedom & peace.

With others, with yourself, and with your body <3

Not-so-dear body,

ever since i can remember i tried to change you. i tried to change my voice. i wanted it to sound soft and sweet in stead of the loud, sharp sound i heard every time i opened my mouth to say something. i tried to change all of you. The moment people recognized it, was when the pounds melted away because my eating disorder shone it’s light on the icy relationship i had with you. But to be honest i tried to change you long before that. i tried to change the way i stood, the way i walked, the way i sat because i thought i was taking too much space. Way too much space. And i still am not over the shallow breathing, for i can not allow myself to take all the air i need. It’s too much. What if someone else needed the oxygen more than i did? What then?

i could write a long list of all the things i don’t like about you, my not-so-dear body. i simply don’t want to. For when i would do that, i think i would only start to hate you more. Fight with you more. Argue with you more.

You know you made it practically impossible for me to live. You failed me. In a lot of ways. Not because you were not perfect. i know, yes i know, that no body is perfect. Just as no-one is perfect. But the way you hurt me.. The way you seem to need no reason to ache or sting. The way you let my joints pop and click (sometimes it sounds just like pop corn). The chronic pain you give me. It is exhausting. The way you took away my strength when i was sick with Lyme disease. The ways you could not help me communicate with people that there was something wrong with me as i was exhausted and sick and in pain all the time. You were failing me, but there were no tests that could explain what was going on. So i had to put it off as me being a drama girl. Which i believed for a long time. A lot of people believed that too.

But i guess i should say sorry to you as well. You may be my not-so-dear body but that does not give me the right to hurt you on purpose. To fight my battles against you in stead of with you.

i see that now. As i’m stuck here with you again. Fighting against the headaches and exhaustion because of the concussion a couple of weeks ago. i start to see things from your perception. You are hurting too. And as hurting people hurt people, a hurting body hurts the person that lives in it as well.

i don’t like that. But it is just the way it is. i realize now the fighting is exhausting.

i don’t know if i can ever stop fighting against you. But i could try. i could try to check in with you sometimes and see if there’s something you want to say to me. Instead of turning on the music a little bit louder every time you are already screaming because of my pounding head. i could try to give and take a little bit more.

You may not have been fair to me. But i take responsibility for not being fair to you.

i am sorry that you are hurting. Okay, mostly for selfish reasons. But i am truly sorry.

If i take better care of you, would you please help me with that? Be open and honest about what you need, in stead of punishing me every time i wasn’t able to look after you properly?

i can not change you, my body. But i can change how i react to you.

i choose to take charge of the rest of my life.

And maybe you can be my ally?

With love?
Your wanna-be ally, Allysson