Note To my Body

So today when i saw this picture (below) i thought of it being so true when it comes to my relationship with my body. And i thought i could write a note to my body. To see if maybe i could stop the hating a bit and make a start with reacting differently. When i was done writing the letter i thought maybe i could share it on my blog as well. i know a lot of people have a hard time fighting against in stead of with their bodies. So maybe this could be encouraging to you? i hope so.

For you deserve to be able to live, in freedom & peace.

With others, with yourself, and with your body <3

Not-so-dear body,

ever since i can remember i tried to change you. i tried to change my voice. i wanted it to sound soft and sweet in stead of the loud, sharp sound i heard every time i opened my mouth to say something. i tried to change all of you. The moment people recognized it, was when the pounds melted away because my eating disorder shone it’s light on the icy relationship i had with you. But to be honest i tried to change you long before that. i tried to change the way i stood, the way i walked, the way i sat because i thought i was taking too much space. Way too much space. And i still am not over the shallow breathing, for i can not allow myself to take all the air i need. It’s too much. What if someone else needed the oxygen more than i did? What then?

i could write a long list of all the things i don’t like about you, my not-so-dear body. i simply don’t want to. For when i would do that, i think i would only start to hate you more. Fight with you more. Argue with you more.

You know you made it practically impossible for me to live. You failed me. In a lot of ways. Not because you were not perfect. i know, yes i know, that no body is perfect. Just as no-one is perfect. But the way you hurt me.. The way you seem to need no reason to ache or sting. The way you let my joints pop and click (sometimes it sounds just like pop corn). The chronic pain you give me. It is exhausting. The way you took away my strength when i was sick with Lyme disease. The ways you could not help me communicate with people that there was something wrong with me as i was exhausted and sick and in pain all the time. You were failing me, but there were no tests that could explain what was going on. So i had to put it off as me being a drama girl. Which i believed for a long time. A lot of people believed that too.

But i guess i should say sorry to you as well. You may be my not-so-dear body but that does not give me the right to hurt you on purpose. To fight my battles against you in stead of with you.

i see that now. As i’m stuck here with you again. Fighting against the headaches and exhaustion because of the concussion a couple of weeks ago. i start to see things from your perception. You are hurting too. And as hurting people hurt people, a hurting body hurts the person that lives in it as well.

i don’t like that. But it is just the way it is. i realize now the fighting is exhausting.

i don’t know if i can ever stop fighting against you. But i could try. i could try to check in with you sometimes and see if there’s something you want to say to me. Instead of turning on the music a little bit louder every time you are already screaming because of my pounding head. i could try to give and take a little bit more.

You may not have been fair to me. But i take responsibility for not being fair to you.

i am sorry that you are hurting. Okay, mostly for selfish reasons. But i am truly sorry.

If i take better care of you, would you please help me with that? Be open and honest about what you need, in stead of punishing me every time i wasn’t able to look after you properly?

i can not change you, my body. But i can change how i react to you.

i choose to take charge of the rest of my life.

And maybe you can be my ally?

With love?
Your wanna-be ally, Allysson

For All We Need

As i was listening to the Within Temptation Song “All i Need” it struck me how this was something that i’ve seen happening too many times in my life. To me, as well as to other people.

And it struck me how this song describes a couple of things in our society. A couple of things that i think are worth thinking and writing about. Not because i intend to point fingers, at anyone. But because i feel writing gives me the chance to start an honest conversation. With myself, in the first place, and maybe for you and with you too? i hope so.

What is the song “All i Need” about?

Well, as i listen to it, i hear Someone say over and over again that they are stuck. They are in a situation and they need help. They opened up to another person, who seemed to have opened a door and invited the Someone to show a bit more of themselves. But when Someone does just that, opening up a bit and show some of the things that are going on in their lives, the other person seems to be on a crossroad. And the song is about the Someone having to plea for the other person to not reject them, for all (s)he need.

As someone who has been struggling through life, i relate to this song. i relate to the “dying to catch my breath” phrase, as well as the frustration of the “Oh, why don’t i ever learn” question. As well as the “i’ve lost all my trust, though i’ve surely tried to turn it around”..

Do you relate, too? Maybe not in the same way as i do, but in your own situation? Is there something you have tried to change, so badly, and still you seem to get stuck, beating yourself up over it “Oh, why don’t i ever learn?”

As i listened to this song i relate – all my agony fades away (it may not disappear, but it surely fades and takes a seat somewhere in the background :p) when..? When my Heavenly Father, holds me in His embrace. And you know what, sometimes He does that through people. Through a stranger passing by and greeting me, through a surprise in my mailbox, through someone posting a picture or quote on Facebook, through someone reminding me of a great song, through a teaching, through a random smile. Lately i found myself surprised that even in the midst of my depression God still finds ways to let me know i am blessed. i may not always see it or feel it, but He surely reminds me and helps me realize it. Especially in the midst of my darkest days.

Okay, back to the song. There is no One like God for me. He is the One Who can hold me (even at times when i give a struggle and am too restless to embrace His embrace). He holds me and keeps holding me, until i finally am too tired to struggle and allow myself to just be held.

There is no One like God, but as i said, He longs for us people to be there for each other too. He meant for us to be looking after each other. God does not tear me, or anyone else down for all i (we) need. He gave His One and Only Son, His Most Precious Gift, for me - for us, because He is all we need. He is the One Who makes our heart a better place. He gives us something we can believe. He won’t ever tear us down. He opened the door, He IS the Way, the Truth and the Life. And He won’t ever close the door, barricade the way or lie about the truth.

Many times in my life i have been in need for help. And i learned that for us human beings it isn’t easy to help another person. Even professionals have turned me down for something i needed: Help. Being torn down for something i need - it  happened to me, and i’ve seen it happen to my friends and family (with all kinds of questions: from mental health issues to physical conditions, to financial problems or relational difficulties). And when i take a look around in the world today, i see big cries, silent cries, loud screams or people staying in bed all day questioning what for difference it would make to cry out for help. And i realize i am blessed to know that i know that i know that there is a God i can turn to 24/7. Even if it’s the only thing i know – knowing that He loves me is more than enough. But i know that not everyone knows this to be true. And even when you do, it does not mean that the only One you are allowed to ask for help, is the Lord, our God. He actually wants us to fellowship with each other and love one another. And one of the ways He wants us to do that, is to take care of one another.

 To be able to be cared for it’s necessary to make known that there is a need, a need for help.

This is hard. Asking for help isn’t easy, and when you do, it is not promised that you will get any help. Let alone the help you need.

What makes it so difficult for us to get out there and ask for help?

And what makes it so hard to get help? To give help?

i’ve seen that fear plays a big part in all of this.

The fear of bothering someone, the fear of being laughed at, the fear of ... That’s for the asking-for-help-part, but i guess there is loads of fear on the giving-help-part as well.

The fear of not doing enough, the fear of coming short, the fear of being laughed at, the fear of giving someone the wrong impression, …

Sometimes us people back down when we know someone is in need, not because we don’t want to help, but because we realize the real problem, the real issue is so much bigger than us. Which is true. We can’t “fix” someone. But don’t mistake someone’s asking for help for them asking you to “fix” them. Most of the time a kind word, a gentle hug, a caring smile – those simple gestures don’t cost you a thing, but can change a person’s day completely around!

Is there someone you think of when you read the following

part of the song "All i need" by Within Temptation?:

Don't tear me down for all i need
Make my heart a better place

Give me something i can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place

What's it like..?

Since i cannot write a lot right now, i thought i'd post something i wrote a while back.. Uhm.. so i think this is quite a step for me. Well.. here it goes :)

What’s it like to be a person with autism?

i don’t know really.

But i thought, you told me you have autism. Isn’t that true?

Yes, that’s correct. But how would you explain to me what it is like not to have autism?

Isn’t that what you would call “living life”? “Ordinary”?

 

Do you know someone with autism? Or have you seen someone communicate with someone who has autism? Have you seen the question marks in their eyes? Because they don’t understand what the autistic person is seeing, thinking, experiencing. Have you seen the frustration, or heard that little tone in their voice because they don’t understand why the other person is so angry for no reason. Have you heard the stories about all the thoughts and organizing and planning and all the frustration, anxiety and other emotions that come along with communicating with someone who has autism?

And have you seen the love? No-one would be trying so hard, unless they love the other person. Maybe the outcome isn’t always what they hoped for, but they are trying. There are limitations to communication but that doesn’t always mean that there are limitations to the love of the ones involved.

Maybe you know what i'm talking about.

Well perhaps, that’s what it’s like to have autism for me. That’s what it, for me, is like to deal with people who don’t have autism:

i don’t understand what you are seeing, thinking, experiencing. i put enormous amount of thoughts and energy to try and get myself to understand. i see your frustration and don’t understand why because i have tried my best to explain myself and you still seem to not understand. Or i tried my best to understand you and you still tell me i don’t get it. i don’t understand why you get angry, all i know is that look in your eye or that the tone in your voice indicates that there’s something you are angry about. And often times i get the idea that you are angry with me. i am constantly planning, organizing, scheduling ahead. And at the end of the day it gets down to being exhausted, scared that i might have done something wrong, might have upset someone. Or i am sad or angry [at myself] because (i think) i know i have upset someone.

And because i care, because i love the other person, it hurts and upsets and gets me sad or angry or disappointed.

For me, autism gets down to not understand the other person and not being understood yourself.

And giving all you have to try to bridge the troubled waters of the misunderstood & unknown.

Is it difficult for you to know how to communicate with someone who has autism? i bet it is.

Well, it’s difficult for me to communicate with someone who doesn’t have autism (and sometimes with other auties too :p). But well, you can choose whether or not to communicate with me. Even when you are a parent or teacher you still have the choice, whether or not you may feel that way. For me there’s no choice. If i want to communicate (or even if i don’t want to, i still need to in order to function “normal”) i will have to go through all of the above and more. It does not get easier for me. Maybe i will find a way to understand myself better and eventually learn how to team-up with myself. But it will always be exhausting. And hopefully rewarding, too :)

Here's a little cartoon about one of the reasons i hated doing my math homework.. xD In all honesty, doesn't it make more sense to just leave it be and savor the mystery? :)