i have an
eating disorder. i have had one since this nightmare started more than 8 years
ago. In those 8 years there were times when you could tell by the way i looked.
And there were times when you couldn’t. There were times when you would not see
me eat, anything. And there were times i would go through a lot of pain
and suffering to be able to eat in public.
i have an
eating disorder and i feel like i need to talk about what it is like (and isn’t
like) for me to have an eating disorder. There is so much nonsense this
world (even professionals!!!) believes to be true about eating disorders.. And i feel like i almost
always need to defend the realness of my disorder. As if i am on trial and need
to justify why i don’t look or act the way people with eating disorders are
“supposed to”. So here it goes:
i have an
eating disorder.
No, that
doesn’t mean i’m skinny. i try real hard not to go down the path of losing
weight again, because i know that it won’t really get me anywhere (other than
hospitals, dieticians, mental institutions) and most importantly, it won’t
really help the people around me. i’m scared of inspiring people to diet and
lose weight and so i am forcing myself to do whatever it takes to maintain a
healthy weight. (But that doesn’t mean my body is healthy)
i have an
eating disorder.
No, it does
not mean i don’t like fat people or think they can’t be beautiful. To be
honest, i admire people who may have a bigger size and seem to be comfortable
in their own skin. i long to be like them.
i have an
eating disorder.
No, it does
not mean i want to look like a supermodel. It does mean i want to be as
little as possible, because i am scared to take up too much space and stand in
someone’s way.
i have an
eating disorder.
No, it does
not mean i don’t like food. It does mean that i feel like i’m undeserving
of food. i feel like i am not allowed
to eat.
i have an
eating disorder.
No, it does
not mean i won’t eat a proper meal. However, my perception about what is normal
is warped. It takes a huge amount of energy (and convincing of people around
me) each day to neglect my thoughts and do the right thing (eat), even though
my mind is telling me not to.
i have an
eating disorder.
No, this
does not mean i will be standing in front of the mirror all day, every day, to
make sure every inch of me is perfect. i’d rather avoid mirrors, for they only
encourage my disgust of myself. Instead of looking in mirrors all the time, i
have an obsession with the scale and tend to weigh myself as often as i can,
multiple times a day.
i have an
eating disorder.
No this
does not mean i’ll be working-out all day. To be honest, i already harmed my
body too much and even though my mind is telling me to never ever sit still and
relax, i can’t afford to listen, my body isn’t capable anymore. i feel like a
failure because i can not really work-out, but i know i have to limit my
exercise in order to stay as fit and healthy as possible.
i have an
eating disorder.
Just like a
lot of other people suffering from an eating disorder, you most likely won’t be
able to tell from the way i look, or the way i act. However, you would be able
to tell if you’d spend a split second inside my mind. For it is my thoughts
that make me ill. It’s my thoughts that have an impact on my everyday life and
it’s them that dictate my health, no matter what i weigh, eat or look like. i’m
suffering from my eating disorder because my mind is constantly telling me i’m
not good enough, not worthy of food, weighing too much, taking too much space, …
my eating disorder may be invisible to you (i hope so, as i try my best to minimize it’s impact on other people) but it is very real and damaging to me.
my eating disorder may be invisible to you (i hope so, as i try my best to minimize it’s impact on other people) but it is very real and damaging to me.
A quote
that fits perfectly: "Sometimes it’s not about what i’m eating. Sometimes
i just won’t act upon the words that are swimming around in my head. Maybe i
look fine today, i will eat every meal and nobody will notice. That doesn’t
mean it’s gone. That doesn’t mean i’m fine."
Yes, my
eating disorder is most likely invisible to you. Unless maybe you forgot to
tell me that you can see my thoughts. ;-) For that’s where the biggest part of
the disease takes place.
No matter
how difficult, no matter the struggle, no matter the hurt… Please always try
and remember this
Stay strong
for you are loved!
