In Loving Memory of my Dear Recovery-Buddy

Last Friday my sweet guinea pig Smarty passed away. To some people it may seem odd that it hurts me so much that she died. And that’s okay, not everyone needs to understand. This blog is not me trying to justify my emotions or explaining myself to people who just won’t get it. It’s me wanting to write about the special place this little creature had in my life. It’s me honoring who she was and trying to draw from the confidence she gave me.

The story of this sweet little animal begins Springtime 2009. At the time i was inpatient because of my out-of-control eating disorder & undiagnosed depression. Being inpatient was hard on me and i clang to something to keep me motivated. One day when our group was having an outing to IKEA to buy some new items for the treatment center, i saw this cute stuffed animal. It was a guinea pig. i bought it as a “buddy” to comfort me whenever i was having a hard time. That very day at the IKEA i decided when i was returning home i really really wanted to have my own guinea pig to look after and care for.

Well, i wish i could tell you this all helped me find the strength i needed to recover completely and return home for once and for all to live happily ever after with my guinea piggy. That was not the case. After that IKEA day i spent another year and several months in different inpatient facilities. But… i never forgot about my plans and when i finally got discharged and went home July 2010 one of the first things i did was going to the pet store and buy my sweetheart Smarty. She was so tiny and cute as you can see in these pics:

i was in love with her.

Smarty really came to the rescue. She really helped me because she loved me just as i was. She didn’t care about all my problems, she didn’t care about my weight or my scars. She just appreciated my care for her and she always was in a good mood! Yes, i can’t think of a moment she was grumpy or angry with me (except for when i had to clip her nails… that was something she didn’t really enjoy).

Smarty was my recovery-buddy.

She helped me when i was feeling sad, lonely, anxious, hopeless, useless, worthless.

Cuddling with her helped me feel better. Watching her walk around and explore the room made my day brighter. She was a smart little one (her name really suited her :p) and i enjoyed being amazed by her talent for counting (she knew how much apple slices i usually gave her) and telling time (she knew when it was time for my breakfast, lunch or fruity snacks). 

 

As i have continued to struggle with my eating disorder over the past years, it really helped me that Smarty was there to eat with me. It helped to give her some of my cucumber or carrot or apple et cetera, whenever it was time for me to stick to my meal plan. It was fun sharing with her and seeing her enjoy her food helped me normalize the concept of eating. She taught me that eating was good and normal and she gave me a reason to fight. After all, who could leave such a smart & cute sweetheart behind?

Yes, Smarty was my brave recovery-buddy. She made my life a brighter place. She was one of the brightest little sparks in my over-all darkness.

She could not prevent me from several hospitalizations. She could not prevent me from some major relapses. That isn’t because she was not amazing. That’s not because she wasn’t perfect. Smarty was amazing. And i tend to say she was perfect. (i’m allowed to be a little biased here, am i? :p) It simply is because my mental illnesses were too real and too stubborn and no one could have prevented those relapses.

But the amazing thing about Smarty is that she was always there for me during those difficult times. She was always waiting for me when i got back from the hospitalizations. And she never judged. She never forgot about me. The moment i walked into the room again –no matter how long i’d been away for– she always recognized my footsteps, my voice, and she knew when to ask her ‘mommy’ for some delicious foods.

She helped me settle in when i was moving out of my parent’s place and started the adventure of living on my own (with my recovery-buddy of course!). She prevented me from getting lonely. She always was waiting for me when i got home. She made home home.

Smarty almost got to be 6,5 years old.

It’s only been a couple of days but i miss her a lot.

Eating isn’t the same without her. Without my recovery-buddy to eat along with me and tell me that it’s okay for me to eat. Without her telling me she wants more. Without her correcting me if i gave her one slice of apple less. Without her funny, smart and curious look. Without her playful interactions with the cat. She was fearless. She was beautiful. She was kind and strong and smart. She was loving and caring. She was amazing. She was all those things i wanted to be, too. And she was mine.

i love her. my Smarty. my Furry Friend. my Recovery-Buddy.

i miss her.

2^nd May 2010 ~ 23^rd September 2016

my dearest Smarty, i will try to look after myself as i would have cared for you. Until one sweet day we will meet again and you can show me around in the beautiful fields of Heaven.

Voices

As i was studying in the Word last week, i felt like there was something that just “clicked” in my mind. i had been pondering some things and struggled to see how i should go about it. What did the Lord want me to do? Was He speaking to me? Asking me to change my ways? Or was it just Satan filling my mind with doubts and obsessions? i did not know.

But then i felt like Someone was calling me back to the basics. As if the Lord Himself was speaking to me, asking me “What do you know about Me?”. And i started writing some things down that helped me see clearer and clearer. And i thought it may be worth sharing, so here it goes.

Some questions to ask yourself to determine if it’s God or Satan speaking:

• Does it lift you up or tear you down?

• Does it encourage or discourage you?

• Do you feel energized or pressed down into a corner?

• Is the tone of voice gentle, loving & caring, or more of the bullying type?

• Does it sound like a gentle nudge in the right direction? Or is it more the “if you won’t do it, i will hate you” kind of pressure?

Remember, God always has your best interest at heart. When He is trying to tell you something, when He is asking you to change something or to do/not do something, He will always surround you with His amazing love and powerful grace.

He won’t bully you into it. He will let the ultimate choice be yours and is willing to help you obey Him.

He will keep reminding you of His will and He will use different resources to help you see His will: the Word, the Spirit, other people – to name a few.

And i’m saying this as much to you as to myself:

Don’t let Satan bully you into something by tearing you down, discouraging you, pressuring you with unkind words.

God won’t ever call you names. If He wants you to change your ways, He will say so, gently. Yes, He may be speaking firmly, but He will always, always be surrounding you with His everlasting, all-powerful love and mercy!

(and yes, i know this takes practice and i’m nowhere near where i want to be. But hey, life is about learning, falling and getting up again, right?)

i may not be where i want to be, but thank God i am not where i used to be

*On my way*

Mentally Blind

“Why can’t you see that?”

“i hope one day you will see yourself the way i do see you”

Just some phrases people have said to me, numerous times.

“Do you really not know how … (something positive) you are?”

Uhm no. i can tell you really mean it when you say something positive about me.

i can tell you sometimes would want to grab and shake me until i see the same things as you do.

But i’m sorry to tell you i simply don’t see what you see when you are complimenting me on something, thanking me for something. And i’m not sure i ever will.

You know after years and years and countless hours of therapy to try and fix me up, trying to change my thought patterns, strengthen my self-esteem and gain more confidence, i still can’t see it. Truth be told, even my therapists are doubting i will ever be able to see the positive character traits other people see in me.

They are not doubting my ability to reflect on myself, but they are finally realizing that i’ve put all my effort in trying to change my self-image without any result.

To be honest, i always felt like everyone around me was blind. Like they were crazy for thinking that maybe sometimes i can be nice or do the right thing. But yeah, maybe i was too prideful and scared to admit that maybe there was something i could not see. But that i do not see it, doesn’t mean it can’t be there. And to say that all those people were completely wrong in their judgment of me – i don’t want to be so prideful and stubborn. So maybe in this situation i just need to admit that i’m in the minority and need to face up to the possibility that maybe other people have a point too. Maybe there is more to me than all those ugliness, stupidity and craziness i see.

So, if other people are right and i’m wrong, it looks like i’m mentally blind or something. It’s like i have no vision when it comes to me having positive character traits. i can only see all those things i am not, all that i can’t do and my brain only sees the mistakes i make, the things i fall short.

So no, i’m not asking you to compliment me again or more often. Or to repeat your thank you. i know you mean well but when i’m really honest, it always kinda freaks me out when people say something positive about me. It leaves me frustrated and feeling alone in my self-hate. Sometimes i just really long to meet someone who hates me too, for then i wouldn’t feel so lonely.  But then again, i guess people with a visual impairment feel kind of lonely in their visual darkness, too.

And now i’m wondering, wouldn’t it make sense that all those therapies and people trying to convince me otherwise – that it all just doesn’t sink in, if yes, of course i can hear them say all those things, but due to my mental blindness can not see or feel it?

It’s like trying to let a blind person see a sunset by describing the colors of the sun. If you’ve never been able to see something, how’d you know what colors are? How would you make a picture of it in your mind?

 i’m wondering when this mental blindness started. Was i born with it? Does my mental blindness have anything to do with the cancerous tumor of negative thoughts, feelings and memories i have due to negative situations? The hurtful things that people have said/done towards me early in life? i don’t know. Do i need to know when this blindness started, how it developed? Do i need to keep overanalyzing my negative thoughts, feelings and memories in the hope that there will somehow be a cure for my mental blindness in there?

Or do i need to face the fact that i’m mentally blind. That i simply can’t see myself the same way other people see me. Do i need to realize that it’s okay and start to find a way to live with this?

Do i need to try a bit harder and look and look again for something i simply just can’t see?

Or do i need to learn how to find my way through life knowing that i can not see everything the same way other people do? Are there “mental canes” i could learn how to use to walk through life? Is there some sort of a “mental Braille” that would help me communicate with people even though we won’t be able to show each other the mental image we both are having of me?

There’s so many questions left. But for now it feels freeing to know that maybe i’m not stupid for not seeing what other people can see. And i feel like i finally can face up to the possibility that maybe i won’t be able to agree with other people about who i am and what i can do. Maybe this mental blindness is some of the things that make me me. And it’s weird to say that, but maybe this is the very first thing i feel like i can accept about myself.