FAQs about mental health problems and being a Christian

As a Christian, my struggles with mental health have always been raising some questions. Some were asked. And i really appreciate it when people do that. Ask me questions. i don’t always have an answer, but i do appreciate genuine questions from people. Some of the questions were not put into words, but i have seen them in the way people stared at me, or tried to avoid me. Sometimes there was no room for questions let alone answers. There were times were judgment was omnipresent and to be honest, those times left me struggling with some questions. Not the famous “why me?”. Not the often expected doubts about God. But they left me wondering: What do i do wrong?

As i was listening to the song “A Way To See In The Dark” by Jason Gray, i felt like i had an answer to some of the Frequently Asked (some unspoken) Questions i got because of me being a Christian with mental health problems. And i thought maybe it was time to try put it into words. i still don’t have all the answers, but i can try explain how i feel about it. How i feel the Lord spoke to me and maybe sharing my thoughts will get you thinking too. This blog post (every single one of my blog posts actually) is not about me trying to tell you how it is. It is more of an invite for you to explore your thoughts about this topic.

As a Christian living in the dark woods of mental health problems, i had the privilege to meet all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs and all kinds of backgrounds and all kinds of ways of living. Living here in these dark woods sure isn’t something i would recommend to anyone, but it also proved to be an opportunity to meet people i probably would not have met if i were not to live here, like this. Being a Christian with mental health problems raised questions from Christians and people who do not believe in Christ. Because the nature of the questions were somewhat different i distinguish between those two ‘categories’. It is not because i want to divide people into the category ‘good’ or ‘bad’. i have no intention judging people. Thank God it is His job and not mine, for i would be a terrible judge!

Non-Christians would ask me questions like “How can you believe in a God when there’s so many evil in this world?” or “How can you believe God is LOVE when even Christians like you are struggling big time?” or “i don’t mean to offend you, but i don’t see how being a Christian is making a difference for you. You see, you still are struggling, even though you believe in Him. What kind of God would do that? Allow His children to suffer?”. And so on.

Those questions from non-Christians could be labeled as questions about Who God is and what He is capable of. How far His mighty hands can reach.  

Also Christians have been asking these kind of questions. Often times worded a bit different, but in essence i guess they didn’t differ much. The question “Why does God allow people to suffer?” is a very frequently asked question.

There also were Christians who would not really ask questions about God’s doing, but mostly jumped to the conclusion i was doing something wrong and therefore struggled with those mental health problems. Those people did raise questions about my faith. Was i a good-enough believer? What did i do to make things right? Many of these Christians jumped to their conclusions without really having a conversation with me. It hurt and it sometimes still hurts. As Christians we are only human and we all do have our human weak spots. i don’t think i am angry with the people who asked those kind of questions, most of them remained unspoken. But i do grieve about it, for i think it is a loss to the Christian community when we are judgmental to one another. It burns bridges and weakens our community instead of the church being a safe place where people can be real and honest and genuine. And where God’s Love and Truth dwells in us all.

Those questions also did confuse me. Left me wondering what i was doing wrong. Made me feel like i failed being a Christian. But it also helped me turn to the Lord and ask Him what He thought of all this. Even though these (unspoken) questions made me somewhat isolated from other Christians, i think i can say it brought me closer to the Lord.

Another frequently raised question was why it all had to go on for this long. There were always so many people praying for me and thinking about me. It still overwhelms me all the love and prayers and support people are showing to me. And it hurts me to see peoples faces get confused when they get to know i am still struggling. After all these years of struggling, but more so of praying and believing and hoping and praying some more, i still live in these dark woods of my mental health problems. And it hurts me to see the question marks and the raised - yet often times unspoken –questions “Why don’t my prayers get answered?” or “Haven’t i prayed enough?”..

Listening to this song by Jason Gray there was this one phrase that was like an answer to all these questions (and many more)..

If I am saved, You tell me it will not be by sight

The Lord knew some of us have to live in the darkness for some time. He knew we would not be able to always see Him, experience Him in a way that is visible and comprehensible. And He decided to not let sight be what would bring us to Him.

Yes, here in the dark woods there is lots of darkness, everywhere. Yet the darkness does not determine whether or not i am lavished in love, gifted with grace, showered with mercy and overflowing with hope.

No the darkness does not determine anything.

The darkness i have lived in for many years has not been of any hinder to God. It has not ever served as a mechanism to scare Him away.

For that is the amazing thing about our Heavenly Father.

He does not get surprised and He does not grow weary and He does not get frightened.

He is omniscient. Even before the moment i entered the dark woods He knew exactly how long i’d stay there and how and when i would get out eventually.

With the words of Jason Gray:

Once again a childlike faith is my only way to see in the dark

No, i don’t have all the answers. i have no idea what tomorrow may hold. But i do know Who holds tomorrow. Also when i will spend many more ‘tomorrows’ here in the dark woods i learned to know all too well. He will always know it better than i do and He will be my help, my hope and my vision. He will lead me one step at a time. And i pray that you will find Him to be leading you as well. No matter what comes, He wants to hold you, safely.

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Prayer Requests from a Little Girl

 Today my Bible fell on the ground. And i was like beating myself up over it. Just a bit, but still. i hate it when my Bible falls and there’s some more creases showing for it. Yet, when i picked it up, there were all these little notes laying on the floor. While picking them up i was annoyed by my handwriting. i never really liked my handwriting for no other reason than it never being perfect. But as i picked them up i started reading some of the words on the notes and got curious. Some of the notes were prayers i wrote about ten years ago. The handwriting was childish, but the way i talked to God really got me thinking. i never ever read about asking the Lord to save me from the bullying, to give me good grades or to feel safe at home (or anywhere else). Instead i asked Him to help me through all these things that were part of my every day life. It’s not that i thought He wasn’t able. And it’s not that i think it is wrong to pray that way. It just never really crossed my mind. i always prayed for God to help me press through (and that’s what He did – all those years i was feeling like giving up for i had no strength left. He proved me He was strong enough for the both of us). So i prayed for Him to help me through all those storms my early life had to endure. And He did. In miraculous ways that little girl was protected to be still here, today.

Not in a way i asked for, though. i asked Him to make me to be joyful, to be strong, to be always laughing and smiling so i could show the world His Light and Love.

i asked the Lord to make me joyful, not happy as in feeling happy-go-lucky, but in a way i would never ever have to bother someone else with the hurt and emotions i carried deep inside. God didn’t answer this prayer the way i wanted Him to. And therefore for years i felt like i was doing something wrong.

Now, today, i felt like maybe the Lord didn’t want me to be joyful (not just yet anyway). Maybe i was not meant to be that kinda Christian, always smiling, laughing. Even though i wanted to. Even though i admire those Christians. Especially when their inner world is as happy as their shining eyes tell me.

Maybe my depression isn’t me doing something wrong (no matter how many people tell me and how i believed it to be something i was guilty of). Maybe my depression wasn’t me doing something wrong, but rather the Lord making way to spread His Light in the darkest of places in life. For Him shining His Light even in the midst of the pit of depression & heartache i have been living in all these years, would turn out to be the way of Him reaching out to others going through life. Each in their own forest of darkness and hopelessness.

Maybe my pit of depression isn’t an isolated pit after all. Maybe it’s more of a part in the dark woods of life where i am to meet other people.

i want to give my darkness to the Lord. For Him to use me as an extension to His amazing arms, always wide open. Ready to love the unlovable. To give away His grace freely, with no strings attached, but freedom everywhere around. 

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The Heart of Psalm 139

There always was something about Psalm 139 that made me think twice when i was to read it. i think it is a wonderful Psalm, don’t get me wrong. And the fact that i struggle with body image and self-worth should not be a reason to be selective in my study of the Truth – God’s Word.

Yet there was something about the way people quoted Psalm 139 that did not change my distorted self-image, but distorted the way i looked at this particular Scripture.

Like Psalm 139 was a way of telling me how wrong i was for having an eating disorder and struggle with my self-worth. It already was difficult for me not to feel guilty or ashamed about my struggles. With people (yes, Christians too) rejecting me for it – that hurt.

And so Psalm 139 always felt like condemnation. Not from God, but condemnation from people can make you doubt and feel condemned nonetheless.

But God knew. The Lord knew it’s not always that axiomatic to be content with yourself. People get hurt. Deeply. Life here on earth is broken. “That’s life”. And its brokenness is visible in relationships. Relationships with people, with God, and also the relationship with ourselves.

Even though i always felt restless when reading Psalm 139, the Lord used this Psalm to show me it really is true what verse 23 says: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. The Lord does search me and know me. And verse 6: Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

The Lord knows how we need Him to show us who we are and to understand the way He looks at us. He thinks we are beautiful. We are fearfully and wonderfully made (verse 14). And that’s not just a nice story, a positive thought. It is true. Even when we cannot grasp this, even when there’s so much we wrestle with in life – He thinks we are perfect, for we are made perfect in Him.

To me one of the events that showed me how much He loves me and knows e-ver-y-thing about me, is the day i read Psalm 139 and discovered some verses i never really heard before. They are hidden in the heart of the Psalm:

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You. (Psalm 139:11-12).

He helped me see that He really knows what is going on in my life. Those verses were the bridge i needed to be amazed by the richness of His understanding, the way it is written in Psalm 139.

For personally, i have been there. Asking the Lord to just let me disappear in the darkness that surrounds me. And i have been scared that eventually my darkness would dim His Light.

Psalm 139 proved to me that it is true. The Lord knows what is going on. He knows the questions, the doubts, the fears and struggles that surround me everyday. And He chose to let me know He understands. He chose to use these verses in a Psalm that has been used to diminish my struggles.

And i pray that you will live to experience His understanding of who you are and what is going on in your life. For He does not diminish your struggles!!!

He loves you.

Where people may get scared of whatever is hurting you,

He won’t ever be deterred. For He knew from the beginning what your life story would be

For it is written in verse 16: Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book  before one of them came to be.