Mentally Blind

“Why can’t you see that?”

“i hope one day you will see yourself the way i do see you”

Just some phrases people have said to me, numerous times.

“Do you really not know how … (something positive) you are?”

Uhm no. i can tell you really mean it when you say something positive about me.

i can tell you sometimes would want to grab and shake me until i see the same things as you do.

But i’m sorry to tell you i simply don’t see what you see when you are complimenting me on something, thanking me for something. And i’m not sure i ever will.

You know after years and years and countless hours of therapy to try and fix me up, trying to change my thought patterns, strengthen my self-esteem and gain more confidence, i still can’t see it. Truth be told, even my therapists are doubting i will ever be able to see the positive character traits other people see in me.

They are not doubting my ability to reflect on myself, but they are finally realizing that i’ve put all my effort in trying to change my self-image without any result.

To be honest, i always felt like everyone around me was blind. Like they were crazy for thinking that maybe sometimes i can be nice or do the right thing. But yeah, maybe i was too prideful and scared to admit that maybe there was something i could not see. But that i do not see it, doesn’t mean it can’t be there. And to say that all those people were completely wrong in their judgment of me – i don’t want to be so prideful and stubborn. So maybe in this situation i just need to admit that i’m in the minority and need to face up to the possibility that maybe other people have a point too. Maybe there is more to me than all those ugliness, stupidity and craziness i see.

So, if other people are right and i’m wrong, it looks like i’m mentally blind or something. It’s like i have no vision when it comes to me having positive character traits. i can only see all those things i am not, all that i can’t do and my brain only sees the mistakes i make, the things i fall short.

So no, i’m not asking you to compliment me again or more often. Or to repeat your thank you. i know you mean well but when i’m really honest, it always kinda freaks me out when people say something positive about me. It leaves me frustrated and feeling alone in my self-hate. Sometimes i just really long to meet someone who hates me too, for then i wouldn’t feel so lonely.  But then again, i guess people with a visual impairment feel kind of lonely in their visual darkness, too.

And now i’m wondering, wouldn’t it make sense that all those therapies and people trying to convince me otherwise – that it all just doesn’t sink in, if yes, of course i can hear them say all those things, but due to my mental blindness can not see or feel it?

It’s like trying to let a blind person see a sunset by describing the colors of the sun. If you’ve never been able to see something, how’d you know what colors are? How would you make a picture of it in your mind?

 i’m wondering when this mental blindness started. Was i born with it? Does my mental blindness have anything to do with the cancerous tumor of negative thoughts, feelings and memories i have due to negative situations? The hurtful things that people have said/done towards me early in life? i don’t know. Do i need to know when this blindness started, how it developed? Do i need to keep overanalyzing my negative thoughts, feelings and memories in the hope that there will somehow be a cure for my mental blindness in there?

Or do i need to face the fact that i’m mentally blind. That i simply can’t see myself the same way other people see me. Do i need to realize that it’s okay and start to find a way to live with this?

Do i need to try a bit harder and look and look again for something i simply just can’t see?

Or do i need to learn how to find my way through life knowing that i can not see everything the same way other people do? Are there “mental canes” i could learn how to use to walk through life? Is there some sort of a “mental Braille” that would help me communicate with people even though we won’t be able to show each other the mental image we both are having of me?

There’s so many questions left. But for now it feels freeing to know that maybe i’m not stupid for not seeing what other people can see. And i feel like i finally can face up to the possibility that maybe i won’t be able to agree with other people about who i am and what i can do. Maybe this mental blindness is some of the things that make me me. And it’s weird to say that, but maybe this is the very first thing i feel like i can accept about myself.