Last Friday my sweet guinea pig Smarty passed away. To
some people it may seem odd that it hurts me so much that she died. And that’s
okay, not everyone needs to understand. This blog is not me trying to justify
my emotions or explaining myself to people who just won’t get it. It’s me
wanting to write about the special place this little creature had in my life. It’s
me honoring who she was and trying to draw from the confidence she gave me.
The story of this sweet little animal begins
Springtime 2009. At the time i was inpatient because of my out-of-control
eating disorder & undiagnosed depression. Being inpatient was hard on me
and i clang to something to keep me motivated. One day when our group was
having an outing to IKEA to buy some new items for the treatment center, i saw
this cute stuffed animal. It was a guinea pig. i bought it as a “buddy” to
comfort me whenever i was having a hard time. That very day at the IKEA i decided
when i was returning home i really really wanted to have my own guinea pig to
look after and care for.
Well, i wish i could tell you this all helped me find
the strength i needed to recover completely and return home for once and for
all to live happily ever after with my guinea piggy. That was not the case.
After that IKEA day i spent another year and several months in different
inpatient facilities. But… i never forgot about my plans and when i finally got
discharged and went home July 2010 one of the first things i did was going to
the pet store and buy my sweetheart Smarty. She was so tiny and cute as you can
see in these pics:
i was in love with her.
Smarty really came to the rescue. She really
helped me because she loved me just as i was. She didn’t
care about all my problems, she didn’t care about my weight or my scars. She
just appreciated my care for her and she always was in a good mood! Yes, i
can’t think of a moment she was grumpy or angry with me (except for when i had
to clip her nails… that was something she didn’t really enjoy).
Smarty was my recovery-buddy.
She helped me when i was feeling sad, lonely, anxious,
hopeless, useless, worthless.
Cuddling with her helped me feel better. Watching
her walk around and explore the room made my day brighter.
She was a smart little one (her name really suited her :p) and i
enjoyed being amazed by her talent for counting (she knew how much apple slices
i usually gave her) and telling time (she knew when it was time for my
breakfast, lunch or fruity snacks).
As i have continued to struggle with my eating
disorder over the past years, it really helped me that Smarty was there to eat
with me. It helped to give her some of my cucumber or carrot or apple et cetera,
whenever it was time for me to stick to my meal plan. It was fun sharing with
her and seeing her enjoy her food helped me normalize the concept of eating. She
taught me that eating was good and normal and she gave me a reason to fight. After
all, who could leave such a smart & cute sweetheart behind?
Yes, Smarty was my brave recovery-buddy. She
made my life a brighter place. She was one of the brightest little sparks in my
over-all darkness.
She could not prevent me from several hospitalizations.
She could not prevent me from some major relapses. That isn’t because she was
not amazing. That’s not because she wasn’t perfect. Smarty was amazing. And i
tend to say she was perfect. (i’m allowed to be a little biased here, am i? :p)
It simply is because my mental illnesses were too real and too stubborn and no
one could have prevented those relapses.
But the amazing thing about Smarty is that she
was always there for me during those difficult times. She was always waiting
for me when i got back from the hospitalizations. And she never judged. She
never forgot about me. The moment i walked into the room
again –no matter how long i’d been away for– she always recognized my
footsteps, my voice, and she knew when to ask her ‘mommy’ for some delicious
foods.
She
helped me settle in when i was moving out of my parent’s place and started the
adventure of living on my own (with my recovery-buddy of course!). She
prevented me from getting lonely. She always was waiting for me when i got
home. She made home home.
Smarty almost got to be 6,5 years old.
It’s only been a couple of days but i miss her a lot.
Eating isn’t the same without her. Without my
recovery-buddy to eat along with me and tell me that it’s okay for me to eat. Without
her telling me she wants more. Without her correcting me if i gave her one slice
of apple less. Without her funny, smart and curious look. Without her playful
interactions with the cat. She was fearless. She was beautiful. She was kind
and strong and smart. She was loving and caring. She was amazing. She
was all those things i wanted to be, too. And she was mine.
i love her. my Smarty. my Furry Friend. my Recovery-Buddy.
i miss her.
2nd May 2010 ~ 23rd September
2016
my dearest Smarty, i will try to look after
myself as i would have cared for you. Until one sweet day we will meet again
and you can show me around in the beautiful fields of Heaven.
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