What's it like..?

Since i cannot write a lot right now, i thought i'd post something i wrote a while back.. Uhm.. so i think this is quite a step for me. Well.. here it goes :)

What’s it like to be a person with autism?

i don’t know really.

But i thought, you told me you have autism. Isn’t that true?

Yes, that’s correct. But how would you explain to me what it is like not to have autism?

Isn’t that what you would call “living life”? “Ordinary”?

 

Do you know someone with autism? Or have you seen someone communicate with someone who has autism? Have you seen the question marks in their eyes? Because they don’t understand what the autistic person is seeing, thinking, experiencing. Have you seen the frustration, or heard that little tone in their voice because they don’t understand why the other person is so angry for no reason. Have you heard the stories about all the thoughts and organizing and planning and all the frustration, anxiety and other emotions that come along with communicating with someone who has autism?

And have you seen the love? No-one would be trying so hard, unless they love the other person. Maybe the outcome isn’t always what they hoped for, but they are trying. There are limitations to communication but that doesn’t always mean that there are limitations to the love of the ones involved.

Maybe you know what i'm talking about.

Well perhaps, that’s what it’s like to have autism for me. That’s what it, for me, is like to deal with people who don’t have autism:

i don’t understand what you are seeing, thinking, experiencing. i put enormous amount of thoughts and energy to try and get myself to understand. i see your frustration and don’t understand why because i have tried my best to explain myself and you still seem to not understand. Or i tried my best to understand you and you still tell me i don’t get it. i don’t understand why you get angry, all i know is that look in your eye or that the tone in your voice indicates that there’s something you are angry about. And often times i get the idea that you are angry with me. i am constantly planning, organizing, scheduling ahead. And at the end of the day it gets down to being exhausted, scared that i might have done something wrong, might have upset someone. Or i am sad or angry [at myself] because (i think) i know i have upset someone.

And because i care, because i love the other person, it hurts and upsets and gets me sad or angry or disappointed.

For me, autism gets down to not understand the other person and not being understood yourself.

And giving all you have to try to bridge the troubled waters of the misunderstood & unknown.

Is it difficult for you to know how to communicate with someone who has autism? i bet it is.

Well, it’s difficult for me to communicate with someone who doesn’t have autism (and sometimes with other auties too :p). But well, you can choose whether or not to communicate with me. Even when you are a parent or teacher you still have the choice, whether or not you may feel that way. For me there’s no choice. If i want to communicate (or even if i don’t want to, i still need to in order to function “normal”) i will have to go through all of the above and more. It does not get easier for me. Maybe i will find a way to understand myself better and eventually learn how to team-up with myself. But it will always be exhausting. And hopefully rewarding, too :)

Here's a little cartoon about one of the reasons i hated doing my math homework.. xD In all honesty, doesn't it make more sense to just leave it be and savor the mystery? :)