Who To Be?

Last week my psychiatrist asked me a question that got me thinking. Well, i’m already thinking 24/7 (my mind never is at rest, even when i sleep) but she sent my thoughts in a new direction. Well, not new new. Just, well uhm new. i had not thought about these questions in quite a while. So yeah, new. :)

What was her question, you might want to know? Well, it was about what famous people i find inspiring. Famous people i would want to be like. People that i looked up to for inspiration.

So yeah, this question got me thinking. And so i went searching for answers. First in my mind. But i could not find the answer there. The only answer i could come up with was that i would not want to be like someone else, simply because i don’t really want to be anyone. i just don’t want to be.

But well, i was certain my psychiatrist would not be satisfied with this answer. So i went online. What are some famous persons people look up to for inspiration? Musicians, actors, politicians, … i thought about some movie stars i looked up to when i was younger. i loved the movies of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (still love them :p) but i never thought i wanted to be like Mary-Kate or Ashley. i always looked at their characters and wanted to be like one of them. But mostly, i looked up to them because they were always together, never alone, … i longed to have a twin :) So no, even Mary-Kate and Ashley, with all i like about them, were not able to help me find answers to this question i kept pondering about. Although i enjoyed reminiscing the sweet moments of spending hours and hours of watching their movies, and rehearsing the movie lines… answers i did not find.

But who would give me some answers? Who would give me a clue about what i would want to be like? Who would tell me what kind of traits i’d like to have and portray?

After searching for a while and enjoying some fun online personality tests i found my answer. Mother Teresa. i think i would want to be (more) like her. Don’t mistake that for wanting to be her. But yeah, Mother Teresa inspires me. Her caring, empathetic, compassionate way of being there for others, especially those who were not able to give something in return… Yes, it touches me to think about it. And i would love to be more like her. To put others first, to help others in need.

i also read about her suffering from depressing thoughts for a really long time (i’m talking about 50 years or so) and even in the midst of her darkness, she kept going on. Being there for others. Offering smiles and lending hands, even when she must have felt really empty and exhausted on the inside of her. i long to be like that as well. To be there for others no matter how i am trapped in the dark, to still be a light to others.

And so i went back to my psychiatrist. Told her about my answer. We spoke about mother Teresa and her traits. my psychiatrist asked me a question that stayed with me. She asked how i thought mother Teresa would be able to handle all the publicity and stress of her work. She talked about how mother Teresa had a very caring, compassionate way around her, but also had a very strong character. She was a strong person. She stood for what she believed in, even though it must have been difficult at times to follow through with her hopes and dreams. Even though she had to face up to critics.

Now the question was, what do i think of being strong?

i long to be caring, compassionate and empathetic. But do i want to be strong? Do i want to have a strong personality? Do i want to take a risk and stand out in the crowd?

Do i have the courage to stand up for what i believe in?

And the big question? Who am i? Who do i want to be?

i’m not sure yet.

i’m still searching for some answers here :)

 

But i do think it is interesting. Being compassionate and caring sometimes is mistaken for being weak. When really, when you think about it, most of the time it’s really strong to stand up and show compassion, be caring, help another person in need.

It may not be the reason why but it certainly is something that often times comes along when you want to do something nice for another person. When you want to be there for someone. You simply can not help someone without getting noticed.

Oops… that was exactly what i was hoping to find as an answer. A way to be invisible, yet caring and compassionate.

Being compassionate and caring takes courage.

And courage takes strength.

Do i want to be a strong person, lending other people a hand?

Do you want to be a strong person, lending someone a hand?

This world needs compassionate people.

Now more than ever it seems.

Are you ready to be strong and courageous?

Are you ready to stand up for what you believe in?

i still don’t want to be seen, or heard, but i do want to love people, to help people, to encourage people, … Maybe i can find some courage to do so. To endure being seen and heard. Maybe i can take a stand against injustice. And fight for what i believe in.

That’ll be the next pondering question.

What do i believe in?

What is close to my heart?

What makes my heart sing?

*to be continued?*